OT: The Lastest from "Date Patrol"

[HHIgirl]

Sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of the lastest dating sh*t...

I wasn't going to post this info, but it is too funny not to share.

Let me first weave the cloth that the lastest installment of my dating life will be embroidered upon:

First experience: Picture this, Labor Day weekend, Northeast Ohio, Planet Earth. I am at my girlfriend's housewarming party and spend the night pleasantly enough chatting with her family. She has two brothers. One who was just released from prison and the other one is a school teacher. Ok, so I am walking out to my car and the brothers are escorting me. The Parolee is of course, lighting up a big ol' BONG (not freaking again) and asks if he could get my "digits". Yes, he said "digits". How crass! Then I am driving home and the OTHER brother is calling me from my friend's phone as that is where my number is stored. He then proceeds to ask me out to a wedding. IN ATLANTA! I do love Atlanta but I had just MET him. And oh yes, he is 26. And his first order of business upon moving to my beloved South Carolina was to find a Brown's Backers organization as he doens't want to get acclimated to his new surroundings. His other order of business was to find the nearest Kohl's. And oh yes, the kicker. I have never ever seen this kid sober! EVER!

OK...I am standing talking to the aforementioned friend ( who is a dear and I adore her) and her cousin pulls up on Harley. ( I know we are thinking this is getting better) He is carrying a stack of hundred, which he shows us. Tell us he won this while hustling pool (people actually do this?) and then he tells us he is looking to score. And not in the flesh for fantasy way. Then he promptly turns to me, asks me out, what my drug of choice is and where do I like to have sex. AND HE WAS SERIOUS! Oh, I also forgot to add his lovely tie-dyed outfit, his two illegitmate kids and his past TWO prison sentences.

This last one is a doozy. No explanation necessary. He is 57, divorced, 3 kids, one heck of a nice boat and I have NEVER seen him sober. He is retired, drinks all day and plays cards at the Elk's club. OH yes and this man is stunned and impressed that I can do crossword puzzles.

There it is friends. The latest chapter in my dating life from purgatory.
I will now remain dateless, celibate and I may possibly be joining a convent.

[Txn]

Well, from a guy's perspective, it seems like the cousin is the better choice. He's a proven provider (he can hustle pool), he's civic minded (he's an Elk), and he's concerned enough about you to ask the important questions that will ensure a pleasurable first date experience (drugs of choice, place for having sex, etc.). You're lucky he's not already taken.

But, I understand some women are pickier than others. Please try to let him down gently, as I am sure he is very sensitive. Just tell him that the conditions of your own parole prevent you from associating with convicted felons.

And if you are going to have a higher set of standards for potential dates, maybe you should start hanging out at places where you will meet better suitors. Is there a methodone clinic in your town?

Of course, just kidding. I too am amazed when people so casually mention their drug and sexual habits in first conversation. If I was a druggie, I would be so paranoid of getting caught, I would make Rafael Palmeiro look like the most honest man ever to testify before Congress.

[LA-CAgirl3]

Txn - OMG! That is THE best avatar in the world. You slay me. How did you ever get that? The comments to HHIgirl ... lol. You are quickly becoming a legend.

HHIgirl - Wow! And this was over the course of how much time? No wonder you have fond memories of our beloved Balboa Island/Newport Beach. Really cute guys, very "prep" or surfer. I'm assuming you've tried the on-line gig? I thought it was a blast but a few friends have had disasters.

[HHIgirl]

OMG! I am crying from laughing so hard. Those are the funniest respones, ever! That is why I usually post this crazy stuff that happens to me because the stuff everyone adds is so stinkin funny!

Regarding hanging out at the local meth. clinic. I can't. My high school guidance counselor hangs out there with my psych. teacher who actually dated my friend while we were in HS and they are now married. And yes, he is now dating another teen...a cheerleader. Oh life in a small town!

[AussieMrs]

OMG, Txn, yours is the FUNNIEST avatar I've ever seen! Where on earth did you get it? The Facial Flex couple was just on this past week. Hysterical!

Jenna, YIKES, talk about slim pickins'. I think it might be time for you to load up the truck and move to Beverly...Hills that is! Hang in there, he'll likely show up when you least expect it (I know, it's soooo cliché, sorry, but it's true!)

[B.R.]

Txn!!!!!! Welcome and I am lovin' your AVATAR®!!!!!

[Txn]

HHI-girl: I'm glad you have a good sense of humor! It helps us make it through life! where I come from, we usually go to family reunions to find our dates.

Glad y'all like the new avatar! I got it from another board. It's a guy-oriented board and there is one obnoxious poster who is seriously in love with Lisa and flames anyone who says anything negative about her. Another poster always follows the obnoxious poster's posts with a post that contains nothing but this picture.

[B.R.]

HHIgirl:

There it is friends. The latest chapter in my dating life from purgatory.
I will now remain dateless, celibate and I may possibly be joining a convent.

*****************************************


Only if I can come with you, HHIgirl. I think we would look great in habits!!!

[HHIgirl]

But I have a lipstick habit, as do you BR..Think they will still let us in? And you think we can still watch "Gotti"?

I am actually NOT looking for a date. This weird stuff happens to me. Really weird stuff. I was actually almost in a plane crash on Sunday and I was driving car. Crazy stuff.


OMG. I was on eHarmony to appease my sister ( we have a tenuous relationship at best and she thinks it is odd I am not looking. She is actually rooting for the 57 year old). Anywho. eharmony BANNED me. They said my standards are too high!


TXN. I hear ya on the family reunion dating odyssey. If your family tree is a wreath....Ohio is really close to WV.

[Geeitsme]

Oh my god, HHIGirl! You are toooo funny. Every once in awhile when my dh really irks me, I think it would be great to be footloose and fancy free again. Then, along comes you and your story and I best just leave well enough alone!! ROTFLMAO!!!

Maybe you should try dating on that new website 'beautiful people' .com Surely your standards couldn't be too high for them. Let us know, we;ll live vicariously through you! LOL!

Texn--greatest avatar ever....spit my coffee out all over my screen!!!!

Gee

[Garnet333]

HHIgirl, I remember a Dr. Phil episode where they had single women looking for Mr. Right on some online dating service that hooks these women up with millionaire men. I don't remember the web address but I do remember thinking, where was this dating service when I was looking for Mr. Right.

[B.R.]

Do you think they would mind if we did our eyes really dramatic and wore our Chanel lipstick? And watched Gotti and Criss Angel??

Mother Superior, can I do your lips with brick red??

omg.......hahahaha

[Joe Bonham]

{{{JENNA!!!!!!!}}}
Hang in there, Luv - he'll pop up when you aren't looking, trust me.
Hell, you're on your way to a small male "harem" here; you've got Cubsfan, QDude, Black, Txn, and myself all firmly "at your back." {Lovely view, BTW ;^) }
My point is, it WILL happen; you just have to have patience with the "when" part of the question, you know?

[Txn]

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Geeitsme:


Texn--greatest avatar ever....spit my coffee out all over my screen!!!!

Gee
tvtalkshows.com/board/showpost.php?p=1343832
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks, Gee, do I owe you a new monitor?

[Cat-Lady]

Oh Jen, SO glad that you Just Say No. NEVER "settle for" a man, SELECT him. You Choose Him, not he chooses you. Better a crust of bread in peace, than steak with strife.

Txn ~~~ another two thumbs up for your avatar. Do you really live in TX ?? I do and will never leave, even tho the overnight Low Temp the other day was 79 degrees, tying a record for highest overnight low temp for the date ...... bleah.

[Novalee]

Txn, that avatar is absolutely hilarious! And whether you snagged it somewhere else or not, and who among us hasn't, you have to have a sense of humor to use it! lol

[Txn]

Cat_Lady: I looked at your profile and saw where you live. I'm just down the road in G'town.

[Cat-Lady]

Txn ~~~ hi neighbor !! One of the best things about Georgetown is the Monument Cafe. Best-ever food !!

[HHIgirl]

The funny thing is I am absolutely NOT looking for man. I am in hysterics everyday about the antics of the various mammals that keep coming up to me to me with theses various and assundry propositions. Do men think that is the way to woman's heart...Pot? Booze?

I have not time for anyone but me and my pursuit of the latest "title" to be added to my most dubious resume. HRHM.

I think I do need to be Texan. Owing to the fact that Ohio is littered with a tenebrous "man" selection and oh yes.. I loathe Ohio. The most odious place in the galaxy. Bar none!


Wow, I wasn't even aware I had a small "harem". I think Cubby belongs in Puddy's bullpen. But thanks for the offer and the public declaration and admiration of my derriere!

[yippie9]

HHIgirl i'm totally confused. when i lived in ohio every girl imet wanted to go out with the kind of guys you describe.

[Jasmine46]

Geez, it's a sad thing to think that there are so many loser guys out there. The right one will come along one day when you least expect it, and cats and dogs are great for cuddling and companionship in the interim. There is definitely no need to "settle" just to have someone, thats for sure.

[HHIgirl]

nope, never ever settle. I have a long list and it must all be met! i don't mind being alone. I would rather do that than be like my sister who has to have a man and know what her man is doing 24-7. My BIL is so henpecked chia pets have started growing out of his back.

[Touché]

HHIgirl:
My BIL is so henpecked chia pets have started growing out of his back.


Touché:
FOMCL! You crack me up, HHIgirl!

[B.R.]

ohhhh what a great laugh I am having over here!!! LOL

Now I have the cha chia theme song in my head.......cha cha chia!!!

[Rebel_Mom]

ROFLMAO...HHI, your saga (if you tried to publish this story it would have to be as fiction) is hilarious. But it proves my point that if all you want is a person in your life (and guys, I didn't say man, I am sure there are lots of loser females out there too) you can have one. Thank Heaven you have standards, but I am beginning to wonder if you should check out the substance abuse groups - at least you would have a shot at getting a sober guy! :-)

[HHIgirl]

You are not going to believe this one!
Another, how you say, troglodyte, approached me yesterday as I was going to my car after physical therapy. Now that PT part is important because I was wet. Drowned rodent wet. Smelly Chlorine wet. Tired, sore and crabby. Now that that is established. The "suspect" approached at my car and commented on my Ralph lau-REN swimsuit. ( I must have been carrying it so he could see the tag). He goes on about how if I was his girl he could keep me in Lau-REN. I then had to educated him on the fact that it is pronounce Lauren. Plain, simple, patrician. I even threw in the story of why Ralphy changed his last name. "Sparky" missed the point and my verbal barbs. Oh, the joys of conversation with a mental midget. You would think at this point "pointdexter" would get the clue and skitter. HELL NO! HE goes on about how if I was his gf he would buy me a real Louis Veetwoine bag. Yes, BR, that is what he said. I had to educate him to the fact that mine is real and wasn't bought out of the back of Uncle Vito's Crown Vic. Ok, think this is over yet? Nope. Oh oh oh...by the way. HE wasn't wearing deodorant and had hair plugs. I then try to get my door unlocked ASAP while he is still jabbering on and on about how is car is better than mine. My car is OK, nothing to brag about but at least it was manufactured in the 2000's. He was touting the virtues of his Chrysler K car and how it is now a classic! Finally, at this point I just leave. I am dumbfounded. But then again it was a trainwreck and I could pull myself away from his animal magnetism or was it the fact that i thought he might stab me in the back with his ginsu knife that I swear he also used to start his car.

And all this happened before 10AM, yesterday!

[Garnet333]

Another great "man" story HHIgirl. You sure do keep us laughing :)

[B.R.]

OMG!! HHIgirl, too funny!

[Jasmine46]

Just kidding (sort of) but it sounds like a lot of the Mississippi guys I remember have migrated north to Ohio!
The decent guys seem to be already married or gay or mama's boys or all three, it's ridiculous! My sister has problems meeting nice guys in NC. It seems she's a magnet for bi-polar guys that seem perfect, then go manic and do something crazy. I'm glad I don't date any more!

[Novalee]

Jen, have you checked for signs on your forehead lately, girl? lol

[Sparks]

Jen~ some advice from " HRHM ~ The First "

This latest incident is when you should have "borrowed" a line from our Dear Boy, Keith Moon.....from The Kids Are Alright film.........

"You couldn't AFFORD me !!! "


*giggle*

[joebignose]

If you steer clear of "quality," you'll be all right............

;^)

[Sparks]

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
joebignose:
If you steer clear of "quality," you'll be all right............

;^)
tvtalkshows.com/board/showpost.php?p=1344743
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just your basic ...Shepard's Bush enjoyment. ;)

[illinois]

Jen, just keep laughing....... Thanks for sharing your stories!

I love Txn's avatar. How funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Poor Lisa, I wonder what she would think about that picture being used over the "internet".

[Joe Bonham]

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sparks:
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
joebignose:
If you steer clear of "quality," you'll be all right............

;^)
tvtalkshows.com/board/showpost.php?p=1344743
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just your basic ...Shepard's Bush enjoyment. ;)
tvtalkshows.com/board/showpost.php?p=1344797
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

......small family butcher's firm...............
8^)



{You KNOW better than to "start".......... ;^) }

[HHIgirl]

Oh my stars, it has happened! I had an actual date! C'mon, wipe that tea and coffee off your keyboards it wasn't THAT unbelievable! I even had a date and a kiss for New Year's! I debated posting this information but what the heck! Those that don't want to read personal info you can just "click-off"! And yes, I have been kissed!

[bookchick]

and i was worried about your absence....:-)

HAH!!! now remember that vow of celibacy you took, Mother Superior...
but do forget that one about poverty no LV's and La Perlas=NO Fun...

good for you!

Bookie

[AussieMrs]

Woo-hoo, Jen, good for you! It doesn't sound like they were horrible. Were the New Year's date and the 'actual date' the same guy? You might be onto something. :)

[HHIgirl]

Yup, they were the same guy. And here is the secret that isn't so secret. He is 25.

[AussieMrs]

Um, should we start calling you Demi? I'm just kidding. It's good to hear that he was obvious good enough to go out with TWICE. That's saying something, isn't it?!

[BR™]

woo hoo!!!!!!!!!!

[bookchick]

Nothing wrong with that! I salute you...
;-}

Bookie

[HHIgirl]

WOw, thanks everyone! I was sort of skittish about telling friends about my new "friend" because of the age difference. I was all set to get the lectures and the "talking to" and etc. Turns out I am getting high 5's and "you go, girls". He actually calls when he says he is going to call also. We were supposed to go out last night but I am sick. He actually called 4 times last night just see how I was feeling.

[Cat-Lady]

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
HHIgirl:
Yup, they were the same guy. And here is the secret that isn't so secret. He is 25.
tvtalkshows.com/board/showpost.php?p=1410475
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

WAY 2 GO, JEN !! I "discovered" younger men way back in high school. They are somehow a bit in awe of an "older woman", and that's a very nice feeling indeed. You can relax and be yourself and they still are in awe. Younger Men are THE way to go, provided that you can find yourself a decent one. And it sounds like you have done just that ~~~ Congratuations !!!

[missitaly]

I'm so happy for you, Jenna! I think it's great that you found a nice guy and he's 25? You go Girl!!! Younger men are different than they were a generation ago. I keep reading that younger men nowadays tend to like "older" women. Remember, 40 is the new 30. :-)

[hellokitty]

Admit it, HHIgirl - you stayed home to watch like 4 continuous hours of Law & Order. Heck, even a date will not tear you away from Goran and Stabler! :)

:) Glad to "see" you're in high spirits - you deserve it!

[HHIgirl]

BUSTED~! SO true! What the heck does that say about me that I would rather stay home with my TV men?

[Jasmine46]

WooHoo, Jenna! Good for you! I am glad you met someone that is considerate, and young is definitely the way to go for the "trainability" factor. Good luck and I hope he's a kitty cat lover!

[Lexy]

That's great Jenna. :)

[Txn]

Congrats, Jenna!

Although I think we are going to be a little sorry to see an end to the bad date stories!

[Geeitsme]

Jenna-
Best wishes with your new man in your life. A situation like this has recently worked out for a friend of mine. There are definitely positives to the younger man!!!

Gee