ONCE AGAIN ... Let's Write A Story ... [Archive]

Linda Lou

08-29-2007, 04:32 AM

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Vivvie:
It was a grey and gloomy saturday morning, 10:05 am to be exact, as the rusted, silver, muffler scraping the pavement, Impala pulled into the strip mall parking lot. "Well, what ... the ... hell ...", scoffed the driver as she scoped the near full lot for a space. "Now I have to walk half the lot in this crappy drizzle risking getting mud splats on my off white pants ... jeez, Louise ... what next?"

As she threw out her half smoked, lipstick stained Marlboro Red and trotted towards the door, she hissed to herself ... "these bitches better not keep me waiting ... I have a show to do at 4pm ... ".

As she entered the door of 'Cost Cutters' she quickly checked her 7-11 coffee and cig breath in her cuffed hand ... "too damn bad ... I'm outta mints ... they will have to deal with it" as she sashshayed into the 'so called chez salon".

"Hi all, the queen of Bitch has arrived ... where do I set my booty today" as she eyed the young, just out of cosmo school yearlings.

All eyes wide like deer in a headlight, one youngen dared to speak up ......

GO FOR IT ...
Viv
(u know who SHE is! hee hee)
www.tvtalkshows.com/board/showpost.php?p=1686239
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"Um, Uh, are you Lisa? Lisa Robertson from QVC?" said the newly hired hair stylist, surprise written all over his face.

"Yeah, that's right. I'm Lisa. Why don't you close your mouth and wipe that look off of your face. You didn't think all this beauty just came naturally, huh?" Lisa spit out.

By now, she was used to this reaction. The stupid "little people" out there just didn't understand about special lighting, makeup tricks, and all the things that make ANYONE on TV look better.

"Let's go Toots. I want the works. Facial, highlights, haircut, and I'm getting a little bit of growth on my upper lip." Grabbing Stephen, the new hairstylist, by the collar she growled, "You better NOT screw up, Newbie! You DO know what you are doing, right?"

Stephen swallowed hard, beads of sweat breaking out on his brow. "Well, Ma'am, you will look even more uh, gorgeous then you do right now when I'm through with you".

"Ma'am??? What's with the "Ma'am" stuff? Lisa will do just fine" Lisa grunted.

Stephen, noting her cantankerous mood, politely explained "Miss Lisa, I come from the South, and we are taught to call our elders "Miss or Ma'am, or Sir, depending on the situation". He beamed at her, hoping to impress her with his courtesy.

"Your elders???? How old do you think I am??" Lisa demanded. Surely all the collagen treatments, botox, and lip injections had erased at least 10 yrs.

Stephen was growing more apprehensive by the minute. Why didn't he just keep his mouth shut? Why didn't he hide when she came into the shop?
Hoping for a reply that sounded reasonable and would make her happy he said "I'd say you are about 40, maybe 41 at the most".

Lisa just stared at him vacantly, and feeling her way around the hairdressing station reached for a hand mirror. She looked into it as if it were a camera, and said "Surely you jest!! You had better re-think your answer! I never get taken for over 30! Now, let's go Junior!"

Stephen reached for a black cape and swung it over her shoulders. He tried to wrest the mirror out of her tight grip, but to no avail. Lisa pulled him close and said, "The mirror stays. I'm going to need it to keep an eye on you........and on me".

Just then, she heard a squeaky, annoying voice coming from the shampoo bowl in the corner. Sure enough!! Damn it! Can't I ever get away from that nut?" She scowled. Seeing only a set of hefty thighs at the sink, she sighed and said, "Patti? Is that you? You go to Cost Cutters?? Heh heh, we'll this will have to be our little secret, huh?"

Patti giggled "Oh Lisa, you silly! I've followed you here many times! I just decided that I wanted to look as great as you do, so I thought I'd give it a try, is that okay, my best buddy?"

Lisa rolled her eyes, and just thought "What did I ever do to get groupie like her? Patti Reilly, for God's sake!"

Just then, Patti stood up. Lisa's eyes got as big as saucers. "Oh my God! Patti, what you have done now?".....................................

METS 17

08-29-2007, 04:58 AM

After seeing Jane Rudolph-Treacy last night, I came up with a new fantasy. I'm in a bar in Westchester and JR-T walks in and is looking fabulous in that blue skirt-suit and black heels. She comes over and orders a glass of wine and notices me at a table. Jane comes over and sits down and says "Jack, what are you doing here?" I explain that I'm in town on business and thought I'd relax tonight. Jane then says "The kids and hubby are away for the weekend and I'm bored. Would you like to let's have some fun?" I ask her what she would like to do. Jane: I've heard about some of your ways of having fun and it might be interesting to try something different." I reply that we might want to go to her place and figure out something. Jane: All right, let's head over there." We then proceed to our cars and I meet Jane at her home. As we enter, she plants a kiss on my lips and says "So what do you have in mind that might be fun?" I tell her that we might want to play a fantasy called 'Surprised Housewife.' Jane asks me to explain it to her and I relate to her what we will do. Jane then says "I've not tried this before, but I think I can do it." I then proceed to another area of the house near her bedroom and wait for her. As Jane walks toward the bedroom, I grab her from behind and clamp a hand over her mouth. She attempts to struggle, but I halt this by saying "Don't struggle and keep it quiet. Understand?" Jane nods her head and I push her into her bedroom. In the center of the room is a four poster bed and I bring her to the footboard of it. I've brought a sports bag with me and I place it on the floor as I tell Jane to raise her hands. She does so and I tell her that I'm going to take my hand from her mouth but she is not to scream. Jane nods in affirmation and I remove my hand. Jane: "Please don't hurt me. I'll do whatever you say." I tell her to stand still while I get a few items. I dig a couple of handkerchiefs from my bag and tell her to open her mouth. Jane does so and I stuff a hanky in her mouth and make a band of the other one and tie it over her mouth. Jane is gagged and unable to speak. I then tell her to bend over and grab the footboard rail. She does so and I begin to fondle her buttocks and legs while she makes mmmmmphing sounds. I bring my hands to the hem of her skirt and begin to lift it up as she's trying to say "No, please, don't do this, don't lift up my skirt." When I have her skirt up around her waist, I see that she is wearing a black half slip. I then bring my hands down her legs and begin to lift her slip. Jane is attempting to say "No, don't do this don't lift up my slip, please." As her slip joins her skirt at her waist, I see that she is wearing stockings, black garter belt, and black bikini panties. I then tell her that she won't need her panties for what I have in mind. I stretch the waistband andbring them down her legs and over her heels as she is mmmmphing excitedly. When her panties are removed, I tell her to move onto the bed and towards the headboard on her hands and knees. Jane complies and I tell her to stretch out facedown on the bed. I then bring four three lengths of rope from my bag and tie her wrists and ankles spreadeagle to the four posts. I tell Jane that now we're going to have some fun as I go back to the bag and bring out a roll of wide surgical tape. I go to her left side and attach a piece of tape to her upper buttock area and unwind enough of it to attach to the frame of the bed. Then I do the same with the lower area of her left buttock. Now her left buttock is spread wide and I do the same with her right buttock. I go back over to the bag and bring out a tube of K-Y Jelly and proceed to annoint her anus with it and to lube her anal area for action. Jane is mmmmphing with anticipation as I begin to remove my clothing. I then proceed to kneel between her legs and I have an erection which is hard as a rock. As Jane is making her muted sounds, I adopt a push-up stance over her and lower myself until my SPAMSPAMSPAMSPAMSPAM touches her anus. After a mild thrust, I then push harder and enter her as she lets out a loud mmmph. I thrust hard and fast and soon Jane is bringing forth one mmmph after another. She's getting into it as I drive deep into her anus. I go at it for what seems like hours, until I finally climax and send a load of jism into her anal chamber. As I begin to relax, I'm free of her anus and Jane is relaxing after the experience. I then get up and begin to remove Jane's bonds. After I remove her gag, Jane looks up at me and says "Now that's the way to have something different for the weekend. Now, let me get undressed and let's get some sleep and maybe we can do something else when the morning gets here." ==== We Leave at Dawn.. Noonish - John Candy

tooncey2

08-29-2007, 05:14 AM

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Linda Lou:
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Just then, Patti stood up. Lisa's eyes got as big as saucers. "Oh my God! Patti, what you have done now?".....................................
www.tvtalkshows.com/board/showpost.php?p=1686286
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......Patti's hair was colored jet black with blonde 'highlights'. "Do you like it?", she asked. "More importantly, do you think that Denis will like it?"

"Patti, that jet black color makes you look like Morticia Adams and those highlights make you look like a skunk. And who is Denis?", Lisa asked. "Denis Simioni! From Ojon!", Patti blushed.

Lisa stared at her increduously. "Girl, he is SO married. And even if he wasn't, he's just creepy. Seriously, Patti, can't you ever set your sights on someone who actually attainable?", Lisa asked.

Patti glared daggers at Lisa. "Well, he obviously likes long, dark hair, so I thought I'd do that, but add my own flair to it with the highlights. I don't want to be an obvious clone of Silvana", Patti huffed. "Oh, no worries there, since you have at least a good 150 lbs. on her. Easy.", Lisa said.

Patti stared at the ground for a moment and then grabbed her stylist by the hand. "Come on, let's get going with the makeup. I have a Saturday Night Beauty show tonight & Denis will be there! Make me look amazing!" Patti blew a raspberry to Lisa and flounced down the hall to makeup.

'It would take a trowel, a bucket of cement and a sandblaster to make you look amazing', Lisa thought to herself. Snapping her fingers at Stephen who was standing there slack-jawed witnessing this spectacle, she said, "Come on loser, I don't have all day, and that hippo already made me waste time I don't have. Let's get going!"

Stephen began to ready his tools when he heard the front door open once again, and turned to see..............

Linda Lou

08-29-2007, 05:23 AM

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tooncey2:
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Linda Lou:
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Stephen began to ready his tools when he heard the front door open once again, and turned to see..............
www.tvtalkshows.com/board/showpost.php?p=1686294
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Jane Treacy. Jane brightened when she saw the Lisa and Patti, foolishly thinking that they liked her. But then, she foolishly thought that everyone liked her.

"Hey Gals! It's Janey! How's it going? Patti, is that really YOU??? Wow. Funny, but you look sorta like a plus-sized version of Silvana! Lisa, are you finally getting that 'stache taken care of? Phew, I was meaning to tell you about it, but just didn't know if I should!!" She blathered on an on, and Lisa could feel her eyes begin to roll in the back of her head.

Lisa, short on patience, finally stopped her while she was in the middle of yet another recollection about her days as a "ballerina".

"Honey" Lisa said gruffly, "You ain't no ballerina now" deliberately eyeing up Jane's ever-widening hips. "You REALLY need to let that one go, 'kay?"

"Now, let's talk about something more important, shall we" Lisa suggested. "Let's talk about me and my hot date tonight with.....................

tooncey2

08-29-2007, 07:54 AM

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Linda Lou:
Now, let's talk about something more important, shall we" Lisa suggested. "Let's talk about me and my hot date tonight with.....................
www.tvtalkshows.com/board/showpost.php?p=1686298
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........Rick Domeier. Well, it's not really a 'date' per se, he's just taking me shopping for a new car. This old Impala just isn't cutting it anymore. It doesn't fit my image at all. It doesn't say 'Madison Avenue' or 'old money' in the least! And I figure if I look super great and flirt with the salesman, that maybe I can get some extras thrown in for free. Maybe some rustproofing or OnStar."

Jane just kept smiling her spacey grin. Lisa snarled, "Jane, will you move out of the way so Stephen can get to work? Rick is going to be here soon & I don't have any more time to waste! Sheesh!" Jane moved over a few steps, but didn't see that she didn't give Stephen enough room to work on Lisa. Stephen tried to work around her ample butt and hips to the best of his ability. Jane gazed at her reflection in the mirror and said to Stephen, "Maybe you could hurry up with Lisa so you can work on me. This pixie hairdo is giving me issues."

Stephen politely agreed and that sent Lisa into a rage. How dare he even think of skimping on her so he could work on Ms. Tinkerbell! How dare Tinkerbell even think of stealing her stylist! Lisa flew out of her chair, ripped off her beauty cape and stood right in the middle of the aisle, hands on her hips and nostrils flaring.

"YOU will work on ME and no one else! Got that, Huey? I'M the former beauty queen, NOT her!", Lisa snarled, pointing at Jane. "I'm the one who is the most beautiful of the hosts! I'm the one the viewers tune in to see! I'm the one they all want to be like! Me! Not Patti, not Lisa Mason, and definitely not this wide-load leprechaun here! ME!"

Stephen and Jane clung to each other in fear and watched in amazement as Lisa Robertson began singing a line from 'Rainbow High' from the musical Evita. "...I'm their product! It's vital you sell me! So Machiavell me!", she sang at the top of her lungs as she performed Rockette-style high kicks down the aisle.

All the commotion brought Patti out from the makeup room........

HHIgirl

08-29-2007, 10:01 AM

Breaking news!!!!!
Tinkerbell is having issues with being compared to Jane Rudolph (WHO IS ONLY ONE QUARTER IRISH) Tracey. Is considering filing suit against, well anyone.
Her spokesperson, who is a chinese man that speaks with a Russian accent and does not use Ojon products but has been known to wear breezies for when he is feeling, "special" has reported that our Miss Tink is bit miffed and has lost some of her sparkle being compared to that troll doll.
More news to follow.

Linda Lou

08-29-2007, 04:33 PM

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tooncey2:
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Stephen and Jane clung to each other in fear and watched in amazement as Lisa Robertson began singing a line from 'Rainbow High' from the musical Evita. "...I'm their product! It's vital you sell me! So Machiavell me!", she sang at the top of her lungs as she performed Rockette-style high kicks down the aisle.

All the commotion brought Patti out from the makeup room........
www.tvtalkshows.com/board/showpost.php?p=1686355
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"Oooooo" screeched Patti! "Are we doing show tunes?" she asked excitedly. David Venable's been showing me some really great moves from "A Chorus Line" to impress Phillip. Let me join in!" With that, she hooked her arm around Lisa's waist, and attempted emulate Lisa doing all those high kicks.

"Umph.......Umph.........Oh damn it! Wait a minute......let me try again" Patti was getting winded and sweat was running down her forehead. By now, Lisa had stopped kicking and singing, and the room fell silent. All eyes were on Patti, watching her in her futile attempts to lift her hefty legs. In one last move, she kicked but slipped and fell on her tookus. She lay there like a turtle on it's back.

Lisa stared at her, a sneer of disgust curling her unnaturally full lips. "Patti, we need to talk Girl. NOW!" She got three of the guys to give Patti a hoist up and took her off to the side. "Patti.........you have worked my last nerve! It's NEVER about you, only about me! Got it? I'm sick to death of you following me around like a puppy dog, making such a fool of yourself. I was just having a moment out there, and once again, you just had to take center stage and derail it, didn't you?

"Let me tell you what, Sister Friend, you will never be like me. Your main purpose is to make me look even better than I already do by comparison, got it? You are NOT an extra small, you are not a raving beauty like I am........now let's get real. Forget all about Phillip, and set your sites on someone more realistic like Dan Wheeler. He's about your height, and he's more your equal in every way. Now, I know this is harsh, but it's for your own good."

Patti, devasted by her cruel words, stared at her blankly, her bottom lip starting to quiver, her toes beginning to turn inward. She said...........

tooncey2

08-29-2007, 05:36 PM

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Linda Lou:
Patti, devasted by her cruel words, stared at her blankly, her bottom lip starting to quiver, her toes beginning to turn inward. She said...........
www.tvtalkshows.com/board/showpost.php?p=1686545
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"I was going to ask you to be my maid of honor at my wedding to Denis once he divorces Silvana....but now, you can just forget it!" "It will be beautiful, too! We're going to have Corky's ribs & will even fly out Robert Moye to cook them up for everyone! But you'll never know, because you won't be there!", Patti sobbed.

Jane tried to put her arm around Patti to comfort her, but she only was able to reach halfway. Stephen came over and offered a tissue to Patti, who accepted it gratefully. She let out a foghorn blow into the tissue, rendering it into near confetti.

Wiping her raccoon eyes that were smeared with mascara, she stuffed the remnants of the used Kleenex into her purse and fished around. She smiled as she pulled a roasted turkey leg out and began to chomp enthusiastically on it.

"That will keep her busy for awhile. Let's get back to work Stephen. More importantly, let's get back to me.", Lisa said. Stephen let out a sigh and walked back to his station, Jane trotting closely behind.

"Alright, Ms. Robertson, should we start with...............

Vivvie

08-29-2007, 05:58 PM

lmao ! lmao ! lmao ! lmao ! lmao ! lmao ! lmao ! lmao ! lmao ! lmao ! lmao ! lmao ! lmao ! lmao ! lmao ! lmao ! lmao ! lmao ! lmao ! lmao !

vivvvvvvie

Linda Lou

08-30-2007, 06:05 AM

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tooncey2:
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"That will keep her busy for awhile. Let's get back to work Stephen. More importantly, let's get back to me.", Lisa said. Stephen let out a sigh and walked back to his station, Jane trotting closely behind.

"Alright, Ms. Robertson, should we start with...............
www.tvtalkshows.com/board/showpost.php?p=1686563
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A nice hair thickening treatment?? I have this stuff I got from some old guy I had a date with last night........let's see......here it is....it's called "Plump N' Thick".

Lisa grabbed the can out of his hand, laughed and said "Plump N' Thick? Don't tell me you had a date with Nick Chavez? Ahhh, he sure does like 'em young, doesn't he? Nah, I've tried that crap before, save it for some old bluehair. Howsa'bout we do my brows and 'stache before we do my hair? Just remember, don't mess with my look!"

Zealously, Stephen applied the hot wax to Lisa's brows and upper lip. Just then, the phone rang. "I'll be back in two shakes, Ma'am, I mean, Lisa" Stephen said. Shortly, he was back "Wow! Word sure does spread fast! That was David Venable from the Q!" Stephen said excitedly. "He heard all about my date with Nick last night, and wants to know if I could come over and use my Plump N' Thick on him!"

Lisa snapped her fingers angrily. "Hey! Romeo! Back to me! Let's get this show on the road! I have to do the PM style show in a few hours. Get the wax off and move it!"

Now Stephen was more nervous than before. With three quick steps, he removed Lisa's facial hair. Stepping back, he gasped inwardly. He had completely removed Lisa's famous c a t e r p i l l a r brows. "What to do?" he thought. "Gotta think fast"

With that, he grabbed a black Sharpie from the receptionist desk. "Miss Lisa, let me just apply your brow makeup so you won't have to do it later." He filled them in thickly, trying to remember how they looked when she walked in.

Patti looked up from her turkey leg, that by now was grizzled to the bone. Flinging it over her shoulder, she laughed uproariously at Lisa. Lisa reminded her of that old Seinfeld episode. "Hey Lisa!! Why do you look so angry??? Is something wrong? You just look so ANGRY!!!" Patti was so pleased to see Lisa looking less than amazing. Lisa just flipped Patti the finger, figuring she was just being her usual jealous self.

Stephen quickly turned Lisa away from the mirror. "Let's get started on your highlights, Miss Lisa." He enthused. He saw Patti lingering by the highlight bowl, and wondered what she was doing. He never saw the bottle of Nair hair remover she had poured into it. Carefully, he started painting on the tainted highlights.....................................

tooncey2

08-30-2007, 12:36 PM

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Linda Lou:
Stephen quickly turned Lisa away from the mirror. "Let's get started on your highlights, Miss Lisa." He enthused. He saw Patti lingering by the highlight bowl, and wondered what she was doing. He never saw the bottle of Nair hair remover she had poured into it. Carefully, he started painting on the tainted highlights.....................................
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....as he began humming 'I'm Your Man' by Wham. Patti was standing nearby gleefully humming along, shaking her ample booty as she grooved with the musical hums from her and Stephen. Jane was attempting to recapture her long gone youth by performing a Fouetté en tournant as if she was auditioning for the Nutcracker.

Stephen finished applying the Nair-tainted color on to Lisa's hair and began working it in, when he noticed that her hair was coming out in clumps into his hands. Sweating bullets and trying to retain his composure, he frantically began rinsing the noxious mixture out of her hair as quickly as possible.

"What's going on, Huey? That color wasn't on nearly long enough!" Lisa said. "I'm going to start over, it didn't look right." Stephen replied, his voice cracking. Rinsing her hair as completely and quickly as possible, he was ashen to see that unfortunately for him, the Nair worked its magic very quickly and most of Lisa's hair was down the drain. He quickly threw a towel on her head & tried to diffuse the situation.

"Miss Lisa, I don't think color is what you need, let's get back to working on your makeup, shall we?" Stephen squeaked. Lisa looked askance at Stephen and knew something was up. Patti was giggling uproariously and Jane was getting woozy from the endless spins and turns she was performing for an audience that existed only in her head.

"What the hell is going on?" Lisa shouted as she ripped the towel off her head. She looked in the mirror and was horrified to see that most of her hair was gone. The bit that remained was scattered in patches and clumps across her bald noggin, as if hacked by a deranged weedwhacker. Patti began laughing hysterically and Stephen looked as if he would cry.

"My hair! MY beautiful hair! Who did this to me?! Was it your ineptness, Stephen? Or was it something more sinister.....PATTI!" Lisa screamed. Patti was still laughing and Stephen tried to hold Lisa back as she charged towards her. Lisa dropped Stephen like a sack of potatoes by kicking him straight in the nuts. She grabbed Patti as she tried to escape and said......

METS 17

08-30-2007, 01:15 PM

Mary Beth Roe has come to my place after her show last night. She's wearing the green dress and jacket and white heels that she had on the show. I ask her "What's up?" Mary Beth replies "I just didn't feel like going home tonight and I thought we might have some fun." I take her in my arms and lead her to the sofa and sit down and pull her into my lap where we begin to kiss and fondle one another. Mary Beth then suggests that I might have a fantasy which we could perform. I tell her that I have one in mind and begin to outline it. When I finish, she says "I've never tried that before, however, it might be interesting." I assure her that it will be for both of us. Mary Beth then picks up her purse and goes out the door while I turn out the lights and wait for her behind the door. A minute later she enters and turns on the light. She moves forward and puts her purse on a table and I spring forward. I clamp my right hand over her mouth and pin her arms with my left arm. Mary Beth attempts to struggle and thrashes her legs about. I then tell her "Quit struggling and be still." Mary Beth halts and stands upright. I then tell her "Move over to the sofa." Mary Beth walks forward until we are facing the sofa. I then tell her "Kneel down. Get on your knees." Mary Beth begins to kneel down and I follow her to the floor and push her forward until her upper body is on the sofa. I then tell her "I'm going to remove my hand from your mouth. But you'll be quiet, right?" Mary Beth nods her head and I take my hand from her mouth. Mary Beth says "Please, don't hurt me. I'll do whatever you say." I then pull her hands together behind her back and pull out a length of rope and start to tie her wrists. Mary Beth says "No, please, you don't have to tie me. I'll behave." I've finished tying her wrists and I tell her to raise her head. Mary Beth does so and I pull out a handkerchief. I make a triangle out of it and pull it over Mary Beth's face from the nose down and tie it tightly behind her head. Mary Beth is a bit puzzled about this and I whisper to her "I don't want to gag you except for the effect. I want you to be able to say what you would say if this was for real." Mary Beth nods her head and I proceed to push her head back down to the sofa. I then stand up and say "Now the real fun begins." I kneel down behind Mary Beth and begin to fondle her full buttocks and legs as she is saying "No. Please. Don't do this. Stop." I then bring my hands down to the hem of her dress and start it up towards her waist as she says "No. Please. Stop. Don't lift up my skirts." When her dress is up around her waist, I see that she is wearing a white half slip. I then say "Your slip is showing, little lady." This brings a giggle from Mary Beth. I then bring my hands down over her slip and to the scalloped hem and begin to lift it up as Mary Beth says "No. Please. Don't do this. Don't lift up my slip." When I have her slip up around her waist I can see that she is wearing white nylon panties and that she has wonderful, full buttocks. I then say "Looks good little lady. But it will look better when I get those panties off. I then stretch the waistband of her panties and start them heading south as Mary Beth says "No. Stop. Don't. Don't take my panties off. I'm removing them slowly from her buttocks, over her thighs, her knees, her calves, her ankles, and finally over her high heels. Now Mary Beth's legs and buttocks are fully exposed and I begin to fondle her legs and buttocks as she make pleas for me to stop. Finally, I bring out a tube of K-Y Jelly and begin to prepare Mary Beth for anal sex. I spread her buttocks wide and begin to put the lubricant on her anus. As I do so she says "Oh, that feels good. Nice and cool." I reply "I'm glad you like it. Now just relax as I put a finger in you." Mary Beth does so and I've put a lubed finger in her anus as she lets out a moan. I ask her if she's all right and she replies "Oh, yes. It feels strangely comfortable." After I have her lubed up, I stand up and begin to lower my pants and underwear. Then I kneel down between her legs and she feels my SPAMSPAMSPAMSPAMSPAM touch her buttocks. Mary Beth then asks "Are you sure I can take all that?" I laugh and say "I believe so. Now get back into the part." Mary Beth giggles and begins to say "No. Don't do this. I can't take it. Please." I then spread her buttocks wide as possible and push my SPAMSPAMSPAMSPAMSPAM into her anus and she lets out a moan of pleasure as it enters her fully. I now begin to thrust into her opening and start a rhythm which elicits sounds from her and she is saying "Faster, harder, put it deeper, give it to me, give it to me." I go at it with all the energy that I have and keep thrusting as Mary Beth's breath is coming in gasps. I'm thrusting as fast and hard as I can in this tight and lubed opening and feel like I can go forever. I finally reach a point of climax and make one final hard thrust and send all my jism into Mary Beth's anus. When I do, she makes a cry of delight and squeezes her buttocks hard around my SPAMSPAMSPAMSPAMSPAM. I slowly begin to withdraw and begin to get up. I get myself dressed first and then I untie Mary Beth and remove her gag. Mary Beth then gets up and puts her panties back on and comes over to me and wraps her arms around me. Then she says "Things like this don't happen in the suburbs. I'm glad you could make me feel good." I tell her "I'm glad also. Maybe we can have a longer time together in the future." ==== "We leave at dawn.......Noonish" - John Candy (Wagons East)

reggie123

08-30-2007, 02:07 PM

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METS 17:
Mary Beth Roe has come to my place after her show last night. She's wearing the green dress and jacket and white heels that she had on the show. I ask her "What's up?" Mary Beth replies "I just didn't feel like going home tonight and I thought we might have some fun." I take her in my arms and lead her to the sofa and sit down and pull her into my lap where we begin to kiss and fondle one another. Mary Beth then suggests that I might have a fantasy which we could perform. I tell her that I have one in mind and begin to outline it. When I finish, she says "I've never tried that before, however, it might be interesting." I assure her that it will be for both of us. Mary Beth then picks up her purse and goes out the door while I turn out the lights and wait for her behind the door. A minute later she enters and turns on the light. She moves forward and puts her purse on a table and I spring forward. I clamp my right hand over her mouth and pin her arms with my left arm. Mary Beth attempts to struggle and thrashes her legs about. I then tell her "Quit struggling and be still." Mary Beth halts and stands upright. I then tell her "Move over to the sofa." Mary Beth walks forward until we are facing the sofa. I then tell her "Kneel down. Get on your knees." Mary Beth begins to kneel down and I follow her to the floor and push her forward until her upper body is on the sofa. I then tell her "I'm going to remove my hand from your mouth. But you'll be quiet, right?" Mary Beth nods her head and I take my hand from her mouth. Mary Beth says "Please, don't hurt me. I'll do whatever you say." I then pull her hands together behind her back and pull out a length of rope and start to tie her wrists. Mary Beth says "No, please, you don't have to tie me. I'll behave." I've finished tying her wrists and I tell her to raise her head. Mary Beth does so and I pull out a handkerchief. I make a triangle out of it and pull it over Mary Beth's face from the nose down and tie it tightly behind her head. Mary Beth is a bit puzzled about this and I whisper to her "I don't want to gag you except for the effect. I want you to be able to say what you would say if this was for real." Mary Beth nods her head and I proceed to push her head back down to the sofa. I then stand up and say "Now the real fun begins." I kneel down behind Mary Beth and begin to fondle her full buttocks and legs as she is saying "No. Please. Don't do this. Stop." I then bring my hands down to the hem of her dress and start it up towards her waist as she says "No. Please. Stop. Don't lift up my skirts." When her dress is up around her waist, I see that she is wearing a white half slip. I then say "Your slip is showing, little lady." This brings a giggle from Mary Beth. I then bring my hands down over her slip and to the scalloped hem and begin to lift it up as Mary Beth says "No. Please. Don't do this. Don't lift up my slip." When I have her slip up around her waist I can see that she is wearing white nylon panties and that she has wonderful, full buttocks. I then say "Looks good little lady. But it will look better when I get those panties off. I then stretch the waistband of her panties and start them heading south as Mary Beth says "No. Stop. Don't. Don't take my panties off. I'm removing them slowly from her buttocks, over her thighs, her knees, her calves, her ankles, and finally over her high heels. Now Mary Beth's legs and buttocks are fully exposed and I begin to fondle her legs and buttocks as she make pleas for me to stop. Finally, I bring out a tube of K-Y Jelly and begin to prepare Mary Beth for anal sex. I spread her buttocks wide and begin to put the lubricant on her anus. As I do so she says "Oh, that feels good. Nice and cool." I reply "I'm glad you like it. Now just relax as I put a finger in you." Mary Beth does so and I've put a lubed finger in her anus as she lets out a moan. I ask her if she's all right and she replies "Oh, yes. It feels strangely comfortable." After I have her lubed up, I stand up and begin to lower my pants and underwear. Then I kneel down between her legs and she feels my SPAMSPAMSPAMSPAMSPAM touch her buttocks. Mary Beth then asks "Are you sure I can take all that?" I laugh and say "I believe so. Now get back into the part." Mary Beth giggles and begins to say "No. Don't do this. I can't take it. Please." I then spread her buttocks wide as possible and push my SPAMSPAMSPAMSPAMSPAM into her anus and she lets out a moan of pleasure as it enters her fully. I now begin to thrust into her opening and start a rhythm which elicits sounds from her and she is saying "Faster, harder, put it deeper, give it to me, give it to me." I go at it with all the energy that I have and keep thrusting as Mary Beth's breath is coming in gasps. I'm thrusting as fast and hard as I can in this tight and lubed opening and feel like I can go forever. I finally reach a point of climax and make one final hard thrust and send all my jism into Mary Beth's anus. When I do, she makes a cry of delight and squeezes her buttocks hard around my SPAMSPAMSPAMSPAMSPAM. I slowly begin to withdraw and begin to get up. I get myself dressed first and then I untie Mary Beth and remove her gag. Mary Beth then gets up and puts her panties back on and comes over to me and wraps her arms around me. Then she says "Things like this don't happen in the suburbs. I'm glad you could make me feel good." I tell her "I'm glad also. Maybe we can have a longer time together in the future." ==== "We leave at dawn.......Noonish" - John Candy (Wagons East)
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MARY BETH IS .... WELL, IN THE KNOW. MARY BETH CALLS 911 AND ASKS THEM TO SEND OUT THE SVU VICTIMS; UNIT. THAT UNIT ARRIVES WITHIN FIVE MINUTES..... THEY FIND THE RAPIST.... AND, OF COURSE, APPREHEND THE RAPIST. THE RAPIST IS READ HIS MIRANDA RIGHTS AND TAKEN AWAY TO JAIL
THE RAPIST IS REQUIRED TO SEE A SHRINK 5 HOURS A DAY, 7 DAYS A WEEK AND FORCED TO ENTER REHAB FOR SEXUAL PREDATORS..... IT IS LEGALLY REQUIRED TO REGISTER AS A SEXUAL PREDATORUAL OFFENDER..... AND, OF COURSE, it CAN NEVER BE ALONE WITH A CHILD ........

Vivvie

08-30-2007, 05:59 PM

stop interrupting our story you doorknobs ... we have NO interest whatsoever in your jr high fantasies. start your own thread and get the hell off our ours. dorks.

viv

Linda Lou

08-30-2007, 06:21 PM

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"My hair! MY beautiful hair! Who did this to me?! Was it your ineptness, Stephen? Or was it something more sinister.....PATTI!" Lisa screamed. Patti was still laughing and Stephen tried to hold Lisa back as she charged towards her. Lisa dropped Stephen like a sack of potatoes by kicking him straight in the nuts. She grabbed Patti as she tried to escape and said......
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"Oh, you will pay for this one, you fat little Kielbasa!" With that, she stuck her foot out and tripped Patti, who hit the ground with a resounding thud. She let out a shriek, and landed on Patti's ample backside. Thinkly quickly, she grabbed a blowdryer, and wrapped the long cord around Patti's arms and legs, trussing her like a Thanksgiving turkey.

Next, she grabbed for the hair clipper from the nearest hair station. Yanking her up by her hair, she hissed "So, you think you were going to finally make me look less than perfect, eh? Well, I hear the Britney Spears look is very big this year, and just perfect for you!!"

Quickly and efficiently she shaved Patti bald, as Patti screamed and struggled to get loose. Lisa, mind half gone at losing the little hair she had, wasn't through quite yet. Reaching for a jar of hair wax, she said "Why don't we give you a little extra glow.........you know.........just like Mr. CLean? You will look just wonderful for your Saturday Night Beauty shows!" And she buffed her head to a spit shine. "Ooooo, look, I can see myself!" Lisa said, entraced by her reflection. "Why your head is almost like a little monitor where I can gaze upon my loveliness."

The shop was abuzz with the ensuing madness. Stephen whispered "Who knew that Lisa was so scrappy AND crazy? Man, if I didn't play for the other team, I'd be tempted to see what kind of lionness she could be in the sack!"

Finally, Lisa got off of Patti, satisfied that Patti was completely humiliated, and looking far worse than Lisa could ever look, even with her patchy hair. Jane glanced at Lisa, and said "Hey! Do you ever watch Nick at Nite? Well, they have Leave it to Beaver reruns, and did ya ever see the episode where Wally decides to give Beaver a haircut? LOL! Lisa, you look just like Beaver did in the episode"...........on and on Jane prattled

Lisa looked at Jane, and in the next instant............................

tooncey2

08-31-2007, 04:27 PM

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Finally, Lisa got off of Patti, satisfied that Patti was completely humiliated, and looking far worse than Lisa could ever look, even with her patchy hair. Jane glanced at Lisa, and said "Hey! Do you ever watch Nick at Nite? Well, they have Leave it to Beaver reruns, and did ya ever see the episode where Wally decides to give Beaver a haircut? LOL! Lisa, you look just like Beaver did in the episode"...........on and on Jane prattled

Lisa looked at Jane, and in the next instant............................
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...Lisa said to Jane, "Cram it in your cakehole Barishnykov, or you'll end up like Curly over there", motioning towards Patti. Jane immediately got quiet, sat down on a chair, pulled some knitting out of her purse and began to knit Patti a skullcap.

Lisa looked at Stephen and said "Ok. Rick Domeier is going to be here soon to take me car shopping, and I won't even get a keychain for free looking like this. Is there anything you can do? We do have my natural beauty to work with, after all."

Stephen's mind was whirling. He had always preferred men but Lisa's fire and intensity stirred something in him that he never felt before towards a woman. Even with her hair nearly gone, she awakened feelings in him that he never knew could have existed in him towards a female. He smiled at Lisa, gallantly swept the remnants of Lisa's and Patti's hair off the chair and motioned for her to sit down.

He refastened the beauty cape around her neck and in one motion swooped down and began kissing her neck. "Stephen! What the hell are you doing? Did that kick in the balls jar your brains loose?" Lisa shouted. Stephen dropped to one knee and began passionately kissing Lisa's hand. "My dear Lisa, you enchant me! You make me feel like I never have before! I must have you! Marry me!", Stephen exclaimed.

Lisa looked around and grabbed..............

Linda Lou

08-31-2007, 06:26 PM

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He refastened the beauty cape around her neck and in one motion swooped down and began kissing her neck. "Stephen! What the hell are you doing? Did that kick in the balls jar your brains loose?" Lisa shouted. Stephen dropped to one knee and began passionately kissing Lisa's hand. "My dear Lisa, you enchant me! You make me feel like I never have before! I must have you! Marry me!", Stephen exclaimed.

Lisa looked around and grabbed..............
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For the curling iron that was poised in it's cradle, hotter than Hades. "You get your lips off of me right now and do something with what's left of my hair, or you'll never use those lips again!" Lisa demanded.

Patti just sighed, wishing that she was Lisa, and that some hot gay guy would shift gears over her. Reaching into her bottomless tote bag, she pulled out a half-eaten Mrs. Prindable's apple, carefully peeling off the lint that was attached to it, and started chomping around the brown parts.

"Well Lisa...........I hope you're happy! Now I'm bald! You know you're just jealous of me! I'm perky and fun.........not to mention 10 years younger than you!" Patti wailed between bites of her apple.

Lisa looked at her somberly and said "Honey, you ain't got nothin' I would want." Lisa would never admit it, but the age comment got her where she lived, and she rummaged through her purse until she came upon her Facial Flex, and started flexing like a madwoman.

Patti threw back her head and laughed "Flex you old shrew! That's it! Flex as if your life depended on it!"

Lisa spit out her Facial Flex and got out of her chair............................

tooncey2

09-02-2007, 03:14 AM

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Lisa spit out her Facial Flex and got out of her chair............................
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...just to see the door open and a bronzed perfect figure walk through the door. Blonde hair gleaming, pecs rippling and biceps bulging, all commotion came to an immediate halt as all eyes were fixed on the gorgeous specimen entering the shop.

Patti recognized immediately who it was and promptly dumped the remaining contents of her handbag on the floor and pulled the handbag over her head. She didn't want him seeing her for several reasons, especially looking the way she did. Lisa recognized him as well and frantically looked around for a wig or something to put on her head. She grabbed a towel and wrapped it turban style on her head and hoped for the best.

Stephen was too busy gazing at Lisa to notice who had just entered the shop and was heading straight for him. Phillipe reached Stephen in mere moments and Stephen turned around just in time to see Phillipe's hand connect across his cheek in a perfect man-slap, the force of which knocked Stephen back a step.

"There you are, you hussy!", Phillpe spat. "You promised me you would call first thing this morning so we could spend the day at the botanical gardens and I find you here! No call, no notice, no nothing!" Stephen began rubbing his cheek and said "I got called into work this morning and I had no time to call you. I was going to call you from here, but with these three ladies, and I use the term loosely, all hell has broken loose." Stephen continued, "I'm glad you came in because I have something to tell you anyway. Thanks to the beauty and fire of Miss Lisa here, I have switched teams. I am no longer gay. You'll have to find another person to take to the botanical gardens to show off your knowledge."

Phillipe looked in amazement and Lisa, who was preening herself in the mirror. He hauled off and leveled another slap to Stephen, this one harder than before. "You would leave the gorgeousness and walking sex appeal that is me for THIS?!", he said, pointing to Lisa. "It doesn't take a master gardener like myself to see the difference between a rake and a HO!"

Everyone began hearing peals of laughter coming from underneath the handbag that was still on Patti's head. Phillipe walked over and pulled the handbag off. He wanted to laugh sheerly from how ridiculous Patti looked with smears of chocolate, candy sprinkles and assorted goodies that were stuck to her head and face from the feedbag she called a handbag that was just on her head.

"Great look for you, Patti.", Phillipe snarled. "The half-eaten Skittles really bring out your eyes. I'll settle up with you later for leaving me by a pig farm with no way to get home some time ago. By the way, the farmer who was nice enough to get a ride wants to know when you will stop by again. Seems the pigs are lovesick for their porcine pin-up." Patti blinked back the tears from the ferocity of the words being spoken by her cherished love, and said.....

Linda Lou

09-02-2007, 08:10 AM

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"Great look for you, Patti.", Phillipe snarled. "The half-eaten Skittles really bring out your eyes. I'll settle up with you later for leaving me by a pig farm with no way to get home some time ago. By the way, the farmer who was nice enough to get a ride wants to know when you will stop by again. Seems the pigs are lovesick for their porcine pin-up." Patti blinked back the tears from the ferocity of the words being spoken by her cherished love, and said.....
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"Phillipe, your lips say no-no, ahh, but your eyes say yes-yes! Look, I just know you are in denial! Why would you want Stephen when you could have all this" With that, she ran her hands seductively up and down her ample hips and thighs, emulating Rebekka the Q model.

"Blah! Stop that will ya?? You're giving me the willies!" Said Phillip, hardly disgusing the contempt he felt for Patti. "Stephen? You get your little tush here right now, I booked us a massage with someone named Helga Hornblower. Supposed to be the best in the business. Let's GO!" He shouted, sounding as butch as he possibly could.

Stephen, liking the way that Phillip was being so take-charge, shook off any temporary delusions that he might've been straight, and said "Right behind you, Honey".

Lisa, by now a real mess, half bald and real bitchy, said "Who in the Hell is going to take care of me??? I have barely 2 hours to go till I have to be on-air! Come on bitches! Who's going to step up and get me gorgeous again?"

Patti was over in the corner, picking caramel off of her head and trying on the wigs to see what suited her best. Just then, the door swung open. A strong wind blew through the shop, and there stood Joan Rivers. "Did someone say bitch?" She bellowed. "Lisa, follow me!" she commanded. Patti whined "What about me???" I have to do my Saturday Night Beauty show!" Joan said.................................

tooncey2

09-02-2007, 04:56 PM

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Patti was over in the corner, picking caramel off of her head and trying on the wigs to see what suited her best. Just then, the door swung open. A strong wind blew through the shop, and there stood Joan Rivers. "Did someone say bitch?" She bellowed. "Lisa, follow me!" she commanded. Patti whined "What about me???" I have to do my Saturday Night Beauty show!" Joan said.................................
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..."Patti, there isn't enough makeup or wigs on the planet that will help you. You are as delusional that you should be hosting a beauty show as you are delusional that you are a size small. On top or anywhere else on that elephantine body."

Patti found a half-eaten Snickers bar from her purse that was laying beside the legs of a chair. She picked the lint off it and began to gnaw away.

Joan grabbed Lisa and plopped her down in the seat. "Your makeup looks fine, but we need to do something about that head.", Joan said. She got the razor out and proceeded to shave Lisa's head completely smooth. "Trust me Lisa, I know what I'm doing", Joan said. She then took out her Garden Stretch bracelet from her purse and stretched it across Lisa's head. "It looks like a tiara, Lisa!", Joan beamed.

Lisa looked in the mirror and said "You can see the top of my bald head! What are you going to do about that?" Joan went into the bathroom and opened the doors to the cabinet under the sink that held the cleaning supplies. She found a box of Brillo pads and returned to Lisa. She removed approximately 8 Brillo pads and fashioned them into place, nestling them into the bracelet streched on Lisa's head. Pleased with herself, Joan handed Lisa a mirror and said............

Linda Lou

09-02-2007, 05:18 PM

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Lisa looked in the mirror and said "You can see the top of my bald head! What are you going to do about that?" Joan went into the bathroom and opened the doors to the cabinet under the sink that held the cleaning supplies. She found a box of Brillo pads and returned to Lisa. She removed approximately 8 Brillo pads and fashioned them into place, nestling them into the bracelet streched on Lisa's head. Pleased with herself, Joan handed Lisa a mirror and said............
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Brillo pads?? OMG! LOL! Toonce, that's some imagination you got. :D

Ahem. Okay, I will try to carry on.
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"Lisa, this is fabulous! You will make this into a new fashion statement! If anyone can do it, you can. Now, let's see what else we have here........." Joan continued to rummage through the various products and objects she had at her disposal, to try to get Lisa together for her show.

Walking over to her limo, she motioned to the people inside to get their butts in the shop, pronto! It was none other Laura Gellar and the creepy Dr. Brandt who appeared at the door. "Let's move it kids, we have some serious work to do!" Joan yelled. Lisa could swear she heard strains of "The Monster Mash" playing when she layed eyes on Dr. Brandt.

Seeing that Dr. Brandt was in a Botox induced fog again, Joan gave him a swift kick in the ass to jump start him, and he then began generously applying every anti-aging product he had at his disposal. "Psst.........hey Lisa" he lisped. "Did you know that my nickname in Florida is Dr. Botox? How about we get at those lines that are starting to form by your mouth from doing all that flexing?"

"Okay....drop the syringe, Dr. Strangelove!" Lisa warned. "Judging by that mask you call a face, I wouldn't let you go anywhere near my face with a needle!"

"It's your choice Toots" he sniffed. "My skincare line can ONLY do so much ya know".

Next, Laura Gellar was up. "Okay Lisa. I'm going to apply my famous baked blusher to your cheeks, maybe a little caulk, followed up by seamless concealer, with a light application of............"

ACK! Lisa was losing it! Bald, Brillo pads on her head, held together by one of Joan's cheap bracelets, Dr. Strangelove, Laura Gellar putting on pounds of her freakin' baked blush........how much could she take??

Standing up, pushing them all out of her way, she grabbed for Patti, who was loudly trying to suck the peanuts out of her teeth from her Snickers bar. "Okay lard-bucket, you got me into this, now you are going to get me out of this!............................................. .........

Vivvie

09-02-2007, 06:31 PM

Oscar contention (screenplay) you two ... this is getting to be way too good ...

Mucho gracious
VIV(acious) lol

tooncey2

09-02-2007, 07:34 PM

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Standing up, pushing them all out of her way, she grabbed for Patti, who was loudly trying to suck the peanuts out of her teeth from her Snickers bar. "Okay lard-bucket, you got me into this, now you are going to get me out of this!............................................. .........
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Patti turned to Joan and whispered, "Get on the phone to the Q and get a cameraman down here NOW! Keep it under the radar! If you do, I'll send you a year's supply of Corky's Ribs on autodelivery!"

Lisa was so busy yanking Brillo pads from her head that she didn't notice Joan on the phone. Patti switched on the charm and did her best to make sure Lisa believed she was really trying to help her. She sat Lisa back down in the chair and said calmly, "Now you just relax. I will fix everything, don't you worry." Lisa sank back in the chair, breathed a sigh of relief and closed her eyes.

'Oh, I will CERTAINLY fix everything, you wait and see, Lisa', Patti thought to herself. Lisa was so exhausted from everything that had gone on, she immediately went to sleep. 'How lucky for me', Patti thought. Patti found a wig that resembled her natural hair, put it on herself, and said to herself, 'Time to get to work.'

Patti scooped up the remnants of Lisa's hair that Joan had shaved off. She found some Gorilla Glue and got to work. She glued clumps of it to Lisa's head in a Mohawk, some to Lisa's face in a Dan Hughes style goatee, and the rest on her chest. 'Ha! Furry boobies!', Patti laughed to herself.

She got some black eyeliner that Laura Geller had dropped and drew huge raccoon circles around Lisa's eyes. She then drew a unibrow on Lisa's face and a big 'L' for loser on her forehead. By this time the cameraman had arrived. "Get in here & splice us in live to the Q! This is important!", Patti shouted. The cameraman got everything set up and then gave the thumbs-up sign to Patti.

Patti shook Lisa awake who was dazed and blinded by the lights and a camera in her face. Patti looked straight into the camera and said..."Welcome everyone to a live telethon to help our dear friend Lisa Robertson. You all have seen Lisa looking so beautiful and glamorous as a host. But the sad truth is that Lisa really looks like THIS", Patti said, gesturing to Lisa. "She is as homely as a rat's butt, and she scares children and small animals. The sad truth is that makeup just can't cut it anymore, and neither will plastic surgery. The only help for Lisa now is a paper bag. That's why were holding this telethon...to raise money for a lifetime supply of paper bags for Lisa. Please be as generous as you can and call."

Just then............

Linda Lou

09-03-2007, 05:50 AM

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."Welcome everyone to a live telethon to help our dear friend Lisa Robertson. You all have seen Lisa looking so beautiful and glamorous as a host. But the sad truth is that Lisa really looks like THIS", Patti said, gesturing to Lisa. "She is as homely as a rat's butt, and she scares children and small animals. The sad truth is that makeup just can't cut it anymore, and neither will plastic surgery. The only help for Lisa now is a paper bag. That's why were holding this telethon...to raise money for a lifetime supply of paper bags for Lisa. Please be as generous as you can and call."

Just then............
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Joan came to her senses. She had sold her good friend Lisa down the river, and for what? Greasy, messy ribs. And to who? Patti Reilly, for the love of God!

Quickly, she grabbed for a hairdressing cape, and flung it over Lisa, completely covering her. Being ever the business woman, she stepped in front of the camera, putting the back of her hand in front of the lens, and said "See?? No age spots!" to plug her handcream. Then she smeared hair conditioner over the lens so they had to stop filming.

She then turned to Patti, and said "Your apparent jealousy of Lisa sickens me! You will never be her! Not even close, Chunkette!" In one fell swoop, she tore off Patti's wig, ripped the feedbag that Patti called a tote of of her hands, and using all her strength, pushed Patti out of the shop and locked the door.

Patti, bald and wailing, kicked at the door for someone to let her in. By now, there was a media frenzy, and there were mobs of reporters gathered around Patti. Loud, raccous laughter could be heard coming from the crowd when they caught a gander of Patti's bald head, and heard her screaming for her feedbag.

Suddenly.........................

tooncey2

09-03-2007, 07:44 AM

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Patti, bald and wailing, kicked at the door for someone to let her in. By now, there was a media frenzy, and there were mobs of reporters gathered around Patti. Loud, raccous laughter could be heard coming from the crowd when they caught a gander of Patti's bald head, and heard her screaming for her feedbag.

Suddenly.........................
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....a car pulled up and out hopped Jeanne Bice. "Patti, I saw Lisa on tv and I brought her something that I thought would help, but it looks like you need it more." With that, Jeanne pulled out a Quacker Factory Rhinestone Hearts stretch twill jacket in hot pink. "See, if you can't change it, decorate it, I always say! Quack Quack!" She put the jacket on Patti. "I hope it's a small, I always wear a size small", Patti sniffed.

Jeanne tried to get the front of the jacket closed, but to no avail. "It is a size small because it was supposed to be for Lisa, but you are stuffed into it like a sausage casing.", Jeanne said. Patti ignored her and twirled in front of the cameras, as she delusionally thought she looked lovely.

"Where's that hat Jane was knitting me? It would go great with this jacket. Go get it for me, will you Jeanne, dear?" Patti asked. Jeanne tapped on the window to the shop and...........

Linda Lou

09-03-2007, 08:03 AM

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"Where's that hat Jane was knitting me? It would go great with this jacket. Go get it for me, will you Jeanne, dear?" Patti asked. Jeanne tapped on the window to the shop and...........
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said "Better let me in girls.....my knees are killing me!"

Jane dropped her knitting and jumped up to let Jeanne in. "Oh Jeanne" Jane squealed. "I'm so happy to see you! Hey, have you lost weight? Lord, it's about time! I was thinking that you were about to keel over at any moment, because, well you know, being SO overweight is SO unhealthy and......" Jeanne just covered Jane's entire face with her hand to shut her up, and shoved her out of the way.

"Looks like you could use my weight loss program, Ballerina Girl!" Jeanne snorted. Jane just smiled, pretending not to hear her, and held out the hat that she had just completed for Patti. "You likey? Hey! I know! Gotta few rhinstones on ya, Jeanne? I will whipstitch them on for her, so they match that REALLY, REALLY tight jacket you just shoved her into!"

Jeanne reached into her pockets and handed Jane some rhinestones. "Getta move on Elfey! We have to get Patti the hell outta here! Lisa's liable to kill her if she see's what she's done to her."

Quick as a wink, Jane attached the rhinestones and slipped out the door to give Patti the hat. "Weeee, don't I look pretty in my small jacket, Janey?" Patti shoved the hat on her dome and said "Hahahaha! NOW who's the fairest of them all? I'm all sparkly and pretty! Let's see Lisa top this!"

Jane couldn't resist the urge to open her pie hole and asked Patti if she had ever seen the movie "Tommy Boy". "Oh Patti! You just remind me of the part in the movie where Chris Farley sings "Fat Guy in a Little Coat!" With that, Jane laughed uproariously.

Lisa appeared at the door, looking like a bull about to charge. .........................................

tooncey2

09-03-2007, 05:09 PM

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Lisa appeared at the door, looking like a bull about to charge. .........................................
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If steam could come out of her ears, it would have. "You skank!", she screamed at Patti. "You have the nerve to humiliate me on national television?! If murder wasn't against the law, you would be SO dead right now!"

Lisa ran after Patti, who had gotten a good head start. She grabbed her by her QF jacket and pulled her kicking and screaming back into the salon. Everyone stepped out of Lisa's way, as they knew she was out for blood.

She threw Patti into the chair, ripped the beauty cape into four strips and bound her hands and feet to the chair so she couldn't move. She grabbed the jar of Barbicide from the salon table and dumped it on Patti's head. She then scooped up the Brillo pads she removed earlier and proceeded to scrub Patti's head till it was crimson. Lisa then grabbed the Gorilla Glue and the remaining Brillo pads and glued them to Patti's head.

Just then the door burst open and in walked..........

Linda Lou

09-03-2007, 06:45 PM

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tooncey2:
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She then scooped up the Brillo pads she removed earlier and proceeded to scrub Patti's head till it was crimson. Lisa then grabbed the Gorilla Glue and the remaining Brillo pads and glued them to Patti's head.

Just then the door burst open and in walked..........
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Little Dan Wheeler. He looked over at Jane and said "Hey Janey! God Bless! Why don't you have a seat, all those pirouettes appear to be making you woozy!".

Ever the gentleman, he pushed a chair under Jane's generous tush, right before she hit the floor. He looked over in Lisa's direction. "Lisa, gee, you sure look like heck!" Lisa merely glared, and said "Hit the road, Stooge".

Turning his attention to Patti, he walked over to her, his eyes riveted on her. "Patti? Is that you? I don't know when I've ever seen you looking more lovely than you do right now. You look like a princess with all that shiny silver stuff on your head."

Patti was silent for once. Was he messing with her? Hmm. He looked so sincere. Sure, he was short, stubby, bald, unattractive, boring and had a permanent camel toe, but he WAS male, after all.

"Dan, what is it that you are trying to say? I thought you were married? Why are you even here?" Patti questioned.

"Well Patti, me and the Mrs. split up about 10 years ago, but I didn't want to have to answer all those stupid caller questions about it. Now, I know I'm not a prize, but I HAVE loved you from afar for a very long time.
And, before you start listing all my shortcomings, try to remember that not even Bob Bowersoxs wants you. You can't turn the gay boys straight, and hey, aren't you in the least bit curious about my permanent camel toe??

Dan smiled coyly, the spaces showing between his teeth, reminding Patti of Alfred E. Newman.

Patti was thinking about everything he said, and finally made a decision. She looked at Dan and said.............................

tooncey2

09-04-2007, 04:49 PM

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Linda Lou:
Patti was thinking about everything he said, and finally made a decision. She looked at Dan and said.............................
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"So, you wanna get married?" Dan dropped down on one knee and said, "I would love nothing more than that, my darling."

"I wanna to to SPAMSPAMSPAMSPAMSPAM right now and get married", Patti said. "Absolutely", Dan replied.

"And I wanna go to the Circus Circus all you can eat Buffet."

"OK"

"And I wanna tour the Jelly Belly factory."

"OK"

"And I wanna get a 64 oz. strawberry Margarita."

"OK"

"And then I wanna go back to the buffet."

"OK"

"And then I wanna tour the Ethel M chocolate factory"

Dan rolled his eyes, sighed, and once again, said "OK". Patti smiled at her hubby-to-be and said, "And when we go through the chocolate factory, you have to have them let me ride under the chocolate enrober with a bucket."

Dan looked at Patti and then...........

Vivvie

09-04-2007, 05:56 PM

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tooncey2:
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Linda Lou:
Patti was thinking about everything he said, and finally made a decision. She looked at Dan and said.............................
www.tvtalkshows.com/board/showpost.php?p=1687899
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"So, you wanna get married?" Dan dropped down on one knee and said, "I would love nothing more than that, my darling."

"I wanna to to SPAMSPAMSPAMSPAMSPAM right now and get married", Patti said. "Absolutely", Dan replied.

"And I wanna go to the Circus Circus all you can eat Buffet."

"OK"

"And I wanna tour the Jelly Belly factory."

"OK"

"And I wanna get a 64 oz. strawberry Margarita."

"OK"

"And then I wanna go back to the buffet."

"OK"

"And then I wanna tour the Ethel M chocolate factory"

Dan rolled his eyes, sighed, and once again, said "OK". Patti smiled at her hubby-to-be and said, "And when we go through the chocolate factory, you have to have them let me ride under the chocolate enrober with a bucket."

Dan looked at Patti and then...........
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"And, before you start listing all my shortcomings, try to remember that not even Bob Bowersoxs wants you. You can't turn the gay boys straight, and hey, aren't you in the least bit curious about my permanent camel toe?? "

================================================== ======

OKAY
... THIS WAS BROUGHT UP AND NOW SOMEONE HAS TO EXPLAIN IT IN THE STORY HEE HEE!

viv ;0

ahhhh haaaaaaa haaaaaaaa

tooncey2

09-04-2007, 06:05 PM

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Vivvie:
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"And, before you start listing all my shortcomings, try to remember that not even Bob Bowersoxs wants you. You can't turn the gay boys straight, and hey, aren't you in the least bit curious about my permanent camel toe?? "

================================================== ======

OKAY
... THIS WAS BROUGHT UP AND NOW SOMEONE HAS TO EXPLAIN IT IN THE STORY HEE HEE!

viv ;0

ahhhh haaaaaaa haaaaaaaa
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The honor of explaining the 'camel toe' goes to Linda. I could never explain it like she can. She had to explain it to me on a thread eons ago!

Linda Lou

09-04-2007, 06:19 PM

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tooncey2:
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Vivvie:
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"And, before you start listing all my shortcomings, try to remember that not even Bob Bowersoxs wants you. You can't turn the gay boys straight, and hey, aren't you in the least bit curious about my permanent camel toe?? "

================================================== ======

OKAY
... THIS WAS BROUGHT UP AND NOW SOMEONE HAS TO EXPLAIN IT IN THE STORY HEE HEE!

viv ;0

ahhhh haaaaaaa haaaaaaaa
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The honor of explaining the 'camel toe' goes to Linda. I could never explain it like she can. She had to explain it to me on a thread eons ago!
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OMG!!! LOL!!!

Okay Viv.

Let's just say that Dan Wheeler always looks like he's having a party in his pants.

Need I say more? :D

sammykat

09-04-2007, 06:24 PM

camel toe = the "other cleavage"

& we ain't talking about toes in high heel shoes

lol

(slang term when a girl's pants are too tight whereby you can see it all !!!)

okay, back to regular scheduled programming .....

Linda Lou

09-04-2007, 06:27 PM

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tooncey2:
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Dan rolled his eyes, sighed, and once again, said "OK". Patti smiled at her hubby-to-be and said, "And when we go through the chocolate factory, you have to have them let me ride under the chocolate enrober with a bucket."

Dan looked at Patti and then...........
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Looked down at his camel toe, and said "Only if you go in your Birthday suit!" Dan could hardly contain his excitement at the thought of Patti's ample rear covered in chocolate!

Patti giggled and said "Okay big boy, you're on!" "Well" Patti thought to herself, "Sure he's fugly, but he SURE does seem eager to please. And he dont even seem to care about my slight eating disorder. This could work, this could work out very nicely.

"Tell me Dan, is it true what they say about good things coming in small packages? Hmm??" Patti said seductively.

"There's only one way to find out my Love" Dan said, blushing profusely by now. "Patti........there's only one thing I ask of you........after our honeymoon's over, please, have mercy on me and DO NOT ask me to carry you over the threshold, okay? Those Pilates workouts are really for creampuffs, so I don't think I can do it.

Patti heard nothing but the word "creampuffs". ....................................

Linda Lou

09-04-2007, 06:29 PM

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sammykat:
camel toe = the "other cleavage"

& we ain't talking about toes in high heel shoes

lol

(slang term when a girl's pants are too tight whereby you can see it all !!!)

okay, back to regular scheduled programming .....
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Was I not descriptive enough, Sammy??

"The other cleavage"??? Kinda sounds like the "other white meat". LOL!

Okay, that's enough of that!

tooncey2

09-04-2007, 06:45 PM

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Patti heard nothing but the word "creampuffs". ....................................
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Remebering there was a bakery two doors down, she quickly dispatched her new fiancee to get some assorted goodies. "I want a snack for our plane ride to SPAMSPAMSPAMSPAMSPAM. Get me a half dozen creampuffs, some bearclaws, a dozen donuts, a fruit danish, a cinnamon coffeecake, some eclairs and a jellyroll." Dan blew his rotund love a kiss and left.

Patti waltzed over to Lisa, who was trying valiantly to remove her Gorilla glued goatee with nail polish remover. "I'm getting married and you're not!", Patti sing-songed to Lisa, dancing around her like a hyper chihuahua. Lisa bopped her on the head with a hairbrush and said, "Yeah, but look at who you are marrying. Yikes! There are worse things than being alone, let me tell you, and he's one of them."

Patti glared at Lisa and said............

Linda Lou

09-05-2007, 06:28 AM

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tooncey2:
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"I'm getting married and you're not!", Patti sing-songed to Lisa, dancing around her like a hyper chihuahua. Lisa bopped her on the head with a hairbrush and said, "Yeah, but look at who you are marrying. Yikes! There are worse things than being alone, let me tell you, and he's one of them."

Patti glared at Lisa and said............
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"Jealous, jealous, JEALOUS!!!" Patti stamped her foot loudly. "You know you want to be me! People think it's the other way around, but no! You WISH you had my spunk and perkiness! And now, I have a man. AND, a man with a permanent camel toe, I might add" Patti grinned widely.

Lisa started whipping the brillo pads at Patti, and anything else within her reach. "You know what you got Patti? You got a little dweeb delivery boy, that's what you got! Someone who will get all your baked goods and fast food, and who's so desperate, that he won't even care that you remove all your XL labels and replace them with XS's." With that, Lisa clunked Patti in the ass with the bottle of Gorilla Glue.

Patti's eyes grew wide, and her face turned crimson red. "How did you know about the labels?? HOW??" She screeched. She thought she had been SO careful about removing those damned labels!

Lisa laughed loudly, and said "Sister, you gotta be kidding me. All of America knows you switch out your labels! Who do you think you're kidding? Besides, Jeanne Bice caught you and told the rest of us. Hey, don't worry about it! You've got you a man now! He won't care a bit as you grow into an XXXL housefrau!"

Just then, Dan Wheeler ran back into the shop, winded, with beads of sweat forming on his brow from hurredly getting Patti her goodies. "Here you go, my Love! Sweets for the sweet, after all!" He grinned his goofy grin, lovestruck.

Patti knocked the boxes of pastries out of his hands and kicked him in his camel toe. She said..........................................

Curvigirl

09-05-2007, 10:34 AM

(I'm waiting until this reaches its finale to read the whole thing at once; please, somebody, PM me and let me know!)

Linda Lou

09-05-2007, 10:47 AM

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Curvigirl:
(I'm waiting until this reaches its finale to read the whole thing at once; please, somebody, PM me and let me know!)
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Will do, Curvi!

Honestly, I don't know how much more attention can be devoted to Dan Wheeler's nether regions. Yuck. :D

tooncey2

09-05-2007, 11:57 AM

Patti knocked the boxes of pastries out of his hands and kicked him in his camel toe. She said..........................................
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"You're trying to keep me fat! A real man would not be plying me with pastries! What is wrong with you?", Patti huffed.

"I get it now! I see the light! You are in cahoots with Lisa, aren't you?!" Patti spat. "Both of you know that I am the best, most personable host on the Q! I have great products to present and you are relegated to Pilates and sports memorabilia!"

Patti picked up the baked goodies and began flinging them at Dan and Lisa, taking a bite out of each one prior to hurling them. Dan tried to take cover and grabbed...........

Linda Lou

09-05-2007, 01:46 PM

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tooncey2:
Patti picked up the baked goodies and began flinging them at Dan and Lisa, taking a bite out of each one prior to hurling them. Dan tried to take cover and grabbed...........
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Lisa by the back of her black cape. Without thinking, he ducked his head under the cape, and allowed Lisa to take the brunt of the missile-like pastries.

Lisa turned around and bitch slapped Dan, but not before humiliating him by saying "You are SUCH a little wussy! "Guns Wheeler" my behind" she spat. Dan, being too much of a gentleman, and, well, a wuss, made a flying leap under the shampoo bowl.

Patti, by now out of pastries, and furiously eating the crumbs out of the boxes, screeched "You two can have one another! I'm going on a strict diet and setting my sights on...............................

tooncey2

09-05-2007, 02:18 PM

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Patti, by now out of pastries, and furiously eating the crumbs out of the boxes, screeched "You two can have one another! I'm going on a strict diet and setting my sights on...............................
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.......Dave King! He was an actor and is way cuter than Bob Bowersox, so he can act like he likes me! He was on a couple of soaps, so who knows, maybe we can get on a soap together and leave the Q behind us as just a bad memory!"

Lisa looked at Patti and hissed, "You want some soap? Here's some soap!", and proceeded to dump the 5 gallon container of Valu-Rite shampoo from under the shampoo sink onto Patti's head. Patti wailed and screeched like banshee.

Lisa had finally gotten the glued-on hair removed from her face and chest, her face scrubbed and her makeup redone. She grabbed a chic looking wig and positioned it just so on her head. Grabbing her handbag, cigarettes and Joan Rivers, she exited the shop, leaving Jane and Jeanne Bice in the corner playing jacks with each other, Dan quaking under the sink and Patti writhing in shampoo.

Turning to Joan, she said, "Come on. I know a place that makes great dirty martinis. Bitches drink for free."

The End

Vivvie

09-06-2007, 06:50 PM

Finally Touncey ...

Amen. I didn't think this bitch slap my fat ass, camel toe a talkin' event would ever come to an end. this one was good, kick ass really good. now i have to start a new storyline and boy 'o chef boy r dee do i have a great one in the works! my head is spinnin' hee hee ... not really but i do have something in the works that will come about next week some time ... this is sooo much fun! i hope you and ms linda are enjoying this as much as i am ... along with all the others who are just reading and laughing their booties off ... till next week gang ... xxoo ms viv

Vivvie

09-06-2007, 06:55 PM

Vivvie

09-06-2007, 06:59 PM

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Vivvie:
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Linda Lou:
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tooncey2:
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Vivvie:
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"And, before you start listing all my shortcomings, try to remember that not even Bob Bowersoxs wants you. You can't turn the gay boys straight, and hey, aren't you in the least bit curious about my permanent camel toe?? "

================================================== ======

OKAY
... THIS WAS BROUGHT UP AND NOW SOMEONE HAS TO EXPLAIN IT IN THE STORY HEE HEE!

viv ;0

ahhhh haaaaaaa haaaaaaaa
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The honor of explaining the 'camel toe' goes to Linda. I could never explain it like she can. She had to explain it to me on a thread eons ago!
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OMG!!! LOL!!!

Okay Viv.

Let's just say that Dan Wheeler always looks like he's having a party in his pants.

Need I say more? :D
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ok, LL ... i understand the cam toe, party pants etc ... hee hee just want to to know why he is ALWAYS having a party in his pants ... omigawd hee hee hee hee ... i am currently laughing my ass off typing this! you now know i will be peeking at his 'crotchness' everytime he is on ... just like you .... ahhhhhhhh. i can't stand it ... this is way too damn funny!
viv

party pants, camel toe, dan wheeler etc .... way to much humor for thursday night ...

Linda Lou

09-07-2007, 04:43 AM

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ok, LL ... i understand the cam toe, party pants etc ... hee hee just want to to know why he is ALWAYS having a party in his pants ... omigawd hee hee hee hee ... i am currently laughing my ass off typing this! you now know i will be peeking at his 'crotchness' everytime he is on ... just like you .... ahhhhhhhh. i can't stand it ... this is way too damn funny!
viv

party pants, camel toe, dan wheeler etc .... way to much humor for thursday night ...
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Perhaps you can email him to inquire about his pants?? LOL!

I know what you mean, tho..........you don't want to look, but after a point, you have to! :D

Linda Lou

09-07-2007, 04:45 AM

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Vivvie:
Finally Touncey ...

Amen. I didn't think this bitch slap my fat ass, camel toe a talkin' event would ever come to an end. this one was good, kick ass really good. now i have to start a new storyline and boy 'o chef boy r dee do i have a great one in the works! my head is spinnin' hee hee ... not really but i do have something in the works that will come about next week some time ... this is sooo much fun! i hope you and ms linda are enjoying this as much as i am ... along with all the others who are just reading and laughing their booties off ... till next week gang ... xxoo ms viv
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What do you mean "Finally" and "Amen"???

LOL! Some of our other stories were longer, Viv. ;)

Tooncey and I DO enjoy writing this silly stories. Bring it on. And, if you want a suggestion, perhaps throwing Roberta Lee Morris in would be interesting. If not, I'll do it myself. LOL! :D

tooncey2

09-07-2007, 05:42 AM

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Linda Lou:
What do you mean "Finally" and "Amen"???

LOL! Some of our other stories were longer, Viv. ;)

Tooncey and I DO enjoy writing this silly stories. Bring it on. And, if you want a suggestion, perhaps throwing Roberta Lee Morris in would be interesting. If not, I'll do it myself. LOL! :D
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You'll have to get me up to speed on RLM, Linda. I don't watch the jewelry shows, so i don't know anything about the vendors for them or their mannerisms, habits, etc.

PS. Please feel free to end a story whenever/however you wish....I feel bad always ending them! I ended the last one because it seemed the feedback vibe was it that needed to end! :-)

Linda Lou

09-07-2007, 04:49 PM

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tooncey2:
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You'll have to get me up to speed on RLM, Linda. I don't watch the jewelry shows, so i don't know anything about the vendors for them or their mannerisms, habits, etc.

PS. Please feel free to end a story whenever/however you wish....I feel bad always ending them! I ended the last one because it seemed the feedback vibe was it that needed to end! :-)
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RLM is a jewelry designer who is extremely effeminate, but yet married a woman and somehow managed to impregnate her, and they had a daughter 7 yrs. ago. His designs he attributes to earthly and heavenly elements, but really, I think he dropped some serious acid in the 60's and he's still trippin'. :D

As for the storylines, I will end the next one. Don't feel bad! LOL! It's just so easy to get carried away when your working with such great characters.

Curvigirl

09-08-2007, 07:45 AM

Too funny! Looking forward to the next adventure.

Linda Lou

09-08-2007, 08:40 AM

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Curvigirl:
Too funny! Looking forward to the next adventure.
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Thanks Curvi, glad ya think so. :D

I'm sure we have untapped resources that we could use, RLM being one of them. Perhaps we can throw in Kenneth Jay Lane too. He's a barrel of laughs. :/

Curvigirl

09-08-2007, 08:51 AM

I'm picturing RML on a quest for new inspiration, traipsing tranquilly and blissfully across a wind swept sand dune savoring nature's beauty, when he suddenly trips over a KJL bangle and lands squarely on the camel's toe...

Linda Lou

09-08-2007, 06:36 PM

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Curvigirl:
I'm picturing RML on a quest for new inspiration, traipsing tranquilly and blissfully across a wind swept sand dune savoring nature's beauty, when he suddenly trips over a KJL bangle and lands squarely on the camel's toe...
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OMG!! LOL!!!

Curvi, with your sense of humor, you really should join us, and be a contributor to the storylines. I'll bet you could come up with some doozies! :D

Vivvie

09-08-2007, 06:49 PM

i'm working on it ... don't worry ... it will be posted soon!

(yawn ... overworked) viv

Linda Lou

09-08-2007, 06:55 PM

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Vivvie:
i'm working on it ... don't worry ... it will be posted soon!

(yawn ... overworked) viv
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No prob, Viv!

tooncey2

09-08-2007, 07:00 PM

I'll surrender my post to Curvi if you end up doing a storyline with the Q jewelry vendors. :-)

Curvigirl

09-10-2007, 04:30 PM

Judging by the looks of Lisa tonight (PM Style, 9/10), your story appears to have become NONFICTION!

Holy Moly! Someone forgot to tell her she was gonna be on TV!

Vivvie

09-10-2007, 06:59 PM

aahh, oophh, opphh, damn it anyways (a small gasp for breath) .. i know that damn head band is here some place ... who the hell messed with my closet ... ? i use to have a just 'grab and go' in my 20' x 30' quacker closet, but obviously NOT TODAY. Damnit ... now what do i do? hells bells ... ok, if i wear the halloween pumpkin big ass shirt with mega sparkles along with the tight fitting orange leggings, i think ... NO, I KNOW I CAN .... get away with the headband I wore for Bob BuckMyAss Bowersox (hmmm, yes i heard he has takin' a likin' to horseys ..." ) If i remember right that cutie of a headband was last seen tied around his so called 'athletic thigh...athletic thigh my ass ... yea right. if i could get that bitch back, i would be in heaven but I'm sure it will take a fight for that nerd to let go of it ... i want my headband back and i want it back now. that little thief is gonna pay ... big time ... as this was muttered under jean's breathe the phone rang ...

Linda Lou

09-11-2007, 04:19 AM

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Vivvie:
. i want my headband back and i want it back now. that little thief is gonna pay ... big time ... as this was muttered under jean's breathe the phone rang ...
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"Hello?? Is this Jeanne?" the voice on the other end of the phone was vaguely familiar, but it was difficult to discern if it was a man or a woman.

"Who the hell is this? Jeanne barked into the phone. Not being able to find her headbands always put her in the grumpiest of moods. "Why, this is Roberta, I mean Robert Lee Morris!" Robert lisped into the phone.

"I was just going to suggest that instead of you tying that ridiculous 1972 headband around your head, that you try one of my oversized neck pieces!"

"It was inspired from this time I was in the woods, and I had just gotten off a 3 day bender from a party given for my dear friend, Kenneth Jay Lane. Anyhow, the trees reminded me of ancient spirits of old, well maybe they reminded me of angels, or heavenly beings................." On and on he blathered, irritating the heck out of the disgruntled Jeanne.

"Roberta!" She bellowed. "You don't really think I buy into that happy horse hockey of yours, do ya? Snap out of it, Nancy Boy! The last time I dared to watch one of your shows, I saw what looked like a door knocker around one of those skinny models' necks. Thought the emaciated thing was gonna fall forward!"

Roberta, not accustomed to such harshness, stared into the phone, adjusting his spiffy new Mr. Potato Head glasses. The salesperson insisted that red was his color. He waited for Jeanne to finish her diatribe and said.............

Curvigirl

09-12-2007, 06:21 PM

"I really need to speak with you on a subject of utmost importance. Because from the depths of my extremely evolved yet primitive soul, I admire your art--particularly the flamingos, and the little sparkly fluorescent popsicle thingies floating on women's backsides--and I feel coming to you for a little woman-to-woman chat is the right thing to do." Suddenly realizing his slip of tongue, Robert quickly thanked all of his gods that the conversation was taking place on the phone so that Jeanne couldn't see that his own natural blush was outshining the Pomegranate Princess powder he had so artfully applied just after his morning bubble bath.

"Jeanne," he said, taking a deep breath, "I really feel you should know ..."

Vivvie

09-12-2007, 08:03 PM

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Curvigirl:
"I really need to speak with you on a subject of utmost importance. Because from the depths of my extremely evolved yet primitive soul, I admire your art--particularly the flamingos, and the little sparkly fluorescent popsicle thingies floating on women's backsides--and I feel coming to you for a little woman-to-woman chat is the right thing to do." Suddenly realizing his slip of tongue, Robert quickly thanked all of his gods that the conversation was taking place on the phone so that Jeanne couldn't see that his own natural blush was outshining the Pomegranate Princess powder he had so artfully applied just after his morning bubble bath.

"Jeanne," he said, taking a deep breath, "I really feel you should know ..."
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Vivvie

09-12-2007, 08:18 PM

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Vivvie:
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Curvigirl:
"I really need to speak with you on a subject of utmost importance. Because from the depths of my extremely evolved yet primitive soul, I admire your art--particularly the flamingos, and the little sparkly fluorescent popsicle thingies floating on women's backsides--and I feel coming to you for a little woman-to-woman chat is the right thing to do." Suddenly realizing his slip of tongue, Robert quickly thanked all of his gods that the conversation was taking place on the phone so that Jeanne couldn't see that his own natural blush was outshining the Pomegranate Princess powder he had so artfully applied just after his morning bubble bath.

"Jeanne," he said, taking a deep breath, "I really feel you should know ..."
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"where in the hell' ... opppps, i mean 'heck' 'did you come up with the idea of creating headbands to match your outfits?' 'i mean, they are sooooo not in style, yet you continue to wear one and well, honey, they suck. really SUCK. like i'm gonna wear a headband to work, to the grocery store, to the gas station ... not unless i want my ass laughed off. get off the headband craze, it is as old as, well ... those puffy pants ... ah Zubbas! get with the program ... headbands are IN ... sweatbands are OUT ... like WAY OUT. go online at the Q and make a true apology to all those thought your 'headbands ... the thick FABRIC ones' ... were 'in' '... those poor fools were made major idiots of themselves wearing your stupid ass headbands.
The IN STYLE headbands can be ound at most retailers ... target, wallyworld etc. and do not include s/h charges esp if you choose to shop at the their stores vs oline.

cloth headband, head cloth, piece of crap across the brow ... all in all ... CRAPOLO ...

viv

Linda Lou

09-13-2007, 04:14 AM

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Curvigirl:
Suddenly realizing his slip of tongue, Robert quickly thanked all of his gods that the conversation was taking place on the phone so that Jeanne couldn't see that his own natural blush was outshining the Pomegranate Princess powder he had so artfully applied just after his morning bubble bath.

"Jeanne," he said, taking a deep breath, "I really feel you should know ..."
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"That I'm considering taking one of those cruises of yours. Perhaps, we can have a meeting of the minds, a joining of the souls, as such. We can talk about what inspires you in your designs, what element of earth, wind or fire dares you to make the snowmen on your sweaters looks so................"

"Knock off all that Earth Mother talk, Roberta!" Jean sniped. Snorting loudly she said "Look, I don't see why we should take a cruise together. What could we have in common? Sure, I can see you on a boat full of women, but for what purpose?? You look like a delicate flower, I don't know if you can take all the bawdy humor of the gals on my cruises. We all know that I'm more of a man than you are!" With that, Jeanne cackled loudly into the phone.

Robert bravely sniffed as he struggled to regain his composure. He was very accustomed to hearing comments such as this. He just reminded himself, once again, that Jeanne was just another unenlightened creature, probably not used to dealing with such a sensitive soul as himself and obviously the term "Metrosexual" was nowhere in her vocabulary.

"Jeanne! Jeanne?? Would you please stop laughing into the phone?? Roberta just sighed and waited for the laughter to cease. Finally he said "I have this idea I've put together that I'd like you to consider.........."RLM meets Quacker Factory"..........I want to design some jewelry to go with your sparkly, spangly designs.............what do you think?............................

Linda Lou

09-13-2007, 04:15 AM

Viv, please don't feel snubbed, but honestly, I didn't know where the heck to pick up the storyline from your post! lol

Curvigirl

09-13-2007, 03:48 PM

"I think," Jeanne sputtered, "that when you're hammering your silver, you better be more careful where you're aiming your tool." She slammed down the phone in a huff. "Imagine, that girly-man wanting to collaborate with me. He must have me confused with the Kirk's Folly bimbo. I just bet he'd like to connect 'spiritually' with some of her fairies."

Still, she mused as she sprawled on her California King bed and picked loose sequins out of the tufts of its fluoroescent pink duvet cover, she had been a little low on inspiration lately. There are only so much fruits and angels and distorted little animals to cartoonify and applique onto the plus-sized public. Maybe it made sense to join forces with another QVC vendor to introduce some fresh blood into her creations. But who?

One after another, she considered the possibilities...

Curvigirl

09-13-2007, 03:50 PM

(PSSSSST....Tooncey....where are you?....)

Linda Lou

09-13-2007, 04:17 PM

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Curvigirl:
There are only so much fruits and angels and distorted little animals to cartoonify and applique onto the plus-sized public. Maybe it made sense to join forces with another QVC vendor to introduce some fresh blood into her creations. But who?

One after another, she considered the possibilities...
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All kinds of scenarios played out in her mind. She tried to imagine teaming up with Joan Rivers, but her face scared the bejeesus out of her. Besides, who needed her cheap crap junking up Jeanne's cheery creations?? Surely they could stand on their own.

Next, she pictured herself teaming up with Joe Esposito, and having him come up with some cute Diamonique designs. But,there again, the image of that ever-distracting buffont hairdo would be her undoing. "Sheesh" Jeanne grunted. "How can a man go around looking like his Aunt Gladys?"

Finally, her mind wandered to a meeting in a scary old mansion......it WAS getting close to Halloween, after all.......she could almost hear the sounds of an organ playing in the background........she pulled imaginary cobwebs off of everything before she heaved her generous tookus into a chair in the dank and dusty parlor. She heard the distinctly heavy footsteps echoing down the imaginary halls, getting closer and closer. "CCCCOOUGGGHHH! HACKKKKKKKK!!! CCCCOOUUGGHHH!!!!"

Looking like an older version of Boris Karloff, before her he stood. It was the ol' Crypt Keeper himself. Kenneth Jay Lane.

Jeanne quickly snapped to, and declared, "THAT'S IT!!! Good ol' Kenny!!! Sure, he looks like death warmed over, but he has class, elegance! None of this "I'm designing a necklace that looks like a toadstool that I once ate and gave me delusions of grandeur crap", like Roberta! Hah!"

Jeanne quickly picked up the phone to set up a meeting with Kenneth.............

Vivvie

09-13-2007, 06:10 PM

doesn't bother me one bit ... i was kinda on a 'weird roll' last night ... i'm not a writer but tried to be hee hee. i'll leave the storytelling to you 'pros'.

viv(acious)

Curvigirl

09-13-2007, 09:03 PM

"Head Quacker?" Kenneth sniffed, as Jeanne identified herself on the other end of the phone. "Oh dear, it's you, the round, florid woman. I remember you from the QVC holiday party. You were wearing a candy-striped headband and half of a Balboa eggnog cake." As he half-listened to her prattle on about some ill-conceived notion, he gestured to his pedicurist to be especially careful of his gangrenous baby toe. After what seemed like hours, Jeanne paused to take a bite of her danish and he seized the opportunity to interject.

"You honestly think I would lower myself to collaborate on a product line with someone who wishes her co-workers a Quacky Christmas? I think not. In fact, I'd sooner have sex with a woman. Quack quack indeed." With an elaborate flourish, he put the rhinestone receiver on its gold-plated hook and turned back to his X-r a t e d crossword puzzle, vowing to have the head of whoever gave out his personal contact information at QVC on a cloissone platter.

However, a seed had been planted in his furrowed brow. A joint endeavor. The opportunity to work with another designer. The very excuse he had been looking for. It was his golden opportunity to work with the QVC vendor of his dreams. He pulled out his alligator skin Rolodex and began thumbing through the cards. He knew it was in there somewhere. Aha! There it was!

He reached for the glittering telephone again and, shaking with anticipation, began to dial. He felt like a giddy schoolgirl. He within seconds of personally experiencing the answer to "3 down" in his now-forgotten crossword puzzle when he heard the voice on the other end of the phone. It was ...

Linda Lou

09-14-2007, 05:14 AM

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Curvigirl:
He reached for the glittering telephone again and, shaking with anticipation, began to dial. He felt like a giddy schoolgirl. He within seconds of personally experiencing the answer to "3 down" in his now-forgotten crossword puzzle when he heard the voice on the other end of the phone. It was ...
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Roberta Lee Morris.

"Helloooooo, Roberta here.............now, don't tell me who it is, let me see if I can get a read on your aura over the phone and I'll tell YOU who you are!" he lisped heavily into the phone. "Just relax and clear your mind and focus on releasing your energy into the receiver............"

Kenneth let out a deep sigh, prompting another coughing fit. When he recovered, he glanced at his rolodex and realized that he had mistakenly dialed up Roberta, instead of the his dream designer.

"Roberta, I never thought I'd say this to anyone, but can't you butch it up, just a notch? Enough with this New Age crap! Good Lord, you are such a sissy!" Kenneth gave a loud sniff, and promptly slammed the phone back in its cradle.

Flipping though the pages, he was very careful about finding the right number this time. Aha! There it was. "Now, let's just hope that they're receptive to this idea" he said to his long term partner, who was busy fixing him some cammomile tea, to soothe Kenneth's irritable bowel. Nothing got Kenneth into such a snit, as having to talk to Roberta.

"Okay, it's ringing....." Kenneth drummed his fingers anxiously on the phone table. "Pick up, pick up!".......................

Linda Lou

09-14-2007, 05:15 AM

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Vivvie:
doesn't bother me one bit ... i was kinda on a 'weird roll' last night ... i'm not a writer but tried to be hee hee. i'll leave the storytelling to you 'pros'.

viv(acious)
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Hey Viv.....you just jump in anytime you want....just leave a line that we can pick up on! LOL!

Vivvie

09-15-2007, 06:25 PM

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Vivvie:
doesn't bother me one bit ... i was kinda on a 'weird roll' last night ... i'm not a writer but tried to be hee hee. i'll leave the storytelling to you 'pros'.

viv(acious)
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Hey Viv.....you just jump in anytime you want....just leave a line that we can pick up on! LOL!
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okey dokey! lol

vivvie

Curvigirl

09-17-2007, 11:12 AM

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"Okay, it's ringing....." Kenneth drummed his fingers anxiously on the phone table. "Pick up, pick up!".......................
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"Mommy's line, Melissa speaking," the voice on the other end chirped.

"Is your mother home?"

"She's having some ribs removed and transplanted into her cheeks right now, may I take a message? This is Melissa. Mommy's hired me to help her with her more menial tasks, as I have no discernible talent of my own. A girl's got to make a living, you know."

"Oh," Kenneth sniffed. "Well, would you please tell her Kenneth Jay Lane called and has a proposition for her?"

"I'll tell her. But I wouldn't hold your breath. Mommy loves it when men proposition her, especially when they don't charge her anything, but I'm not sure you're quite her type. She prefers to date guys who are still breathing."

"You impertinent twit," Kenneth responded, "I'm not talking about THAT kind of proposition. It's strictly business."

"OH, in that case, can we get together? I was just in Claire's the other day and took pictures of some jewelry with my camera phone. I was thinking of contracting with someone in China to copy it, and then I could sell it at grossly inflated prices. QVC won't return my calls since my last line with them flopped, but with your influence..."

"Good day!" Kenneth snapped, as he slammed down the phone. Now, he thought to himself, what do I do until I hear back from Joan? He didn't have long to ponder before his bejeweled telephone beckoned him again with its beguiling SPAMSPAMSPAMSPAMSPAMSPAMSPAMSPAM, "I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles"...

Linda Lou

09-17-2007, 11:29 AM

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"Good day!" Kenneth snapped, as he slammed down the phone. Now, he thought to himself, what do I do until I hear back from Joan? He didn't have long to ponder before his bejeweled telephone beckoned him again with its beguiling SPAMSPAMSPAMSPAMSPAMSPAMSPAMSPAM, "I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles"...
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He picked up the phone with a dramatic flourish, wheezing with excitement. "Joan old girl, is that you?"

A prissy voice on the other end answered, "No, this is me. Don't you recognize my voice?" Kenneth was perplexed for a moment, but then a look of recognition dawned on his weathered face. "Michael O'Connor?? Kenneth gasped. " Good lord, Girl, is that you??? It's been ages!"

Kenneth had a particular affection for Michael........perhaps it was his shaved head, his sparkling white teeth, who knows?? Or, could it be his ability to sell diamonds that you could spin a record off of, for oodles more than what they were worth?

"Dare I ask you what's up,Kenny, or are you hating that question these day?" Michael giggled girlishly into the phone.

Kenneth chose to ignore the comment. He was SO sick of old jokes. "Well, Michael, I'm trying to hook up with Joan Rivers.........I have a proposition for her..........I'm sure she hasn't received one for a very long time".

"Ooooo, a proposition?? Do tell!" Michael batted his eyes coyly. He loved dish!

Just then, Kenneth's partner came in to let him know that Joan was calling on the other phone.......................

Alexis Nicole

09-18-2007, 04:49 PM

Linda, Curvi, Tooncey..............

Just wanted to say how much I enjoy all your stories! The three of you have a gift of writing.....that's for sure! And what imaginations you ladies have.
I can't begin to tell you how many times I have cracked up at some of the lines you have come up with. I can't look at any of the "characters" without thinking of all these stories. :)

Um, still waiting for the story to continue. :)

tooncey2

09-18-2007, 05:00 PM

Thanks Alexis.

I am deferring to Curvi to continue with the storyline on the jewelry vendors. I don't watch ANY jewelry shows, so I have less than nothing to contribute here (sob!). I wouldn't get the habits or mannerisms right in the least!

Alexis Nicole

09-18-2007, 05:14 PM

Tooncey, yeah, I read where you deferred the stories involving jewelry vendors to Curvi.

Curvi, are ya stuck girl? It's YOUR turn. :)

Linda Lou

09-18-2007, 05:18 PM

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Alexis Nicole:
Linda, Curvi, Tooncey..............

Just wanted to say how much I enjoy all your stories! The three of you have a gift of writing.....that's for sure! And what imaginations you ladies have.
I can't begin to tell you how many times I have cracked up at some of the lines you have come up with. I can't look at any of the "characters" without thinking of all these stories. :)

Um, still waiting for the story to continue. :)
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Awww, thank you for your kind words to us, Alexis Nicole!

I'm glad you enjoy these silly little stories. I have a blast contributing.

I have to admit it.......I found these characters amusing before, but now it's impossible for me to look at them and not think of this thread! LOL!

Linda Lou

09-18-2007, 05:20 PM

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Alexis Nicole:
Tooncey, yeah, I read where you deferred the stories involving jewelry vendors to Curvi.

Curvi, are ya stuck girl? It's YOUR turn. :)
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Yeah, give Curvi a shove!

Put your thinking cap on, Curvi! :D

Alexis Nicole

09-18-2007, 05:40 PM

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Alexis Nicole:
Tooncey, yeah, I read where you deferred the stories involving jewelry vendors to Curvi.

Curvi, are ya stuck girl? It's YOUR turn. :)
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Yeah, give Curvi a shove!

Put your thinking cap on, Curvi! :D
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Or a headband or something! lol

Curvigirl

09-19-2007, 09:47 AM

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Linda Lou:
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Alexis Nicole:
Tooncey, yeah, I read where you deferred the stories involving jewelry vendors to Curvi.

Curvi, are ya stuck girl? It's YOUR turn. :)
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Yeah, give Curvi a shove!

Put your thinking cap on, Curvi! :D
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Or a headband or something! lol
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(OUCH! LOL)

"What's up, Kenny, and make it snappy," Joan cackled in his ear. "I've got a yeast infection that just won't quit and my patience is worn as thin as the acrylics on my scratching hand."

"Joan. Dear." Kenneth spoke in short bursts, his oxygen supply running low. "I have an idea for a. Project. We could work on. Together."

"What? A rhinestone coffin? Enameled tombstone? WHAT?" she screeched.

"I'm envisioning. A variation. On the bee. Theme." Where was Fabio the houseboy with the fresh tank? "I was thinking. We could. Elaborate, and make it more. In tune with my demograph. Ic. Instead of a. Bee we could make a. Jeweled WASP."

Irritated but intrigued, Joan pulled her manicured claws out of the size 0 Spanx that held her midsection intact and pondered. "This could work," she thought to herself. But to collaborate with this old geezer? Why, he was almost as old as she!

"Let me kick it around a while, Kenny. You, uh, haven't told anybody else about this, have you?"

"Oh no. Dahling. This is strictly between. You and me."

"Marvelous. See ya." Joan disconnected the line and quickly re-dialed. This idea was too good to pass up, but she had another co-conspirator in mind...

Linda Lou

09-19-2007, 04:07 PM

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"Let me kick it around a while, Kenny. You, uh, haven't told anybody else about this, have you?"

"Oh no. Dahling. This is strictly between. You and me."

"Marvelous. See ya." Joan disconnected the line and quickly re-dialed. This idea was too good to pass up, but she had another co-conspirator in mind...
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"Hey! Joan here. Listen, I was talking with the Crypt Keeper......yeah, that's right, Kenneth J. Lane........., and anyways, he came up with this idea of doing a bejeweled wasp, instead of the usual bee. Now, he's getting very senile, and come morning, he won't even remember our conversation.

"So.........what I was thinking was, what say you and I put our heads together, and do a new kind of theme, you know, to kinda liven things up?" This was the first time in years that Joan was thinking of something other than her next nip and tuck.

Swirling around in his swivel chair, he faced the open window and let out a delighted laugh. "Well Joanie.......this sure has been an interesting day!" He mused. "First, Jeanne Bice, then Kenny, now you. Hmm. Let me mull this over." Two minutes went by and he called her back.

"Okay, let's do it. I think it's a faboo idea! I'll be by soon".

Roberta Lee Morris lit a joint and sat back in his chair, well pleased that he was getting the attention he so richly deserved. "I'll show 'em what I'm made of!!", he hissed. "Nancy Boy", huh?....that old drag queen!!"

Already, he was busy sketching a picture of his spiffy Mr. Potato Head glasses, adding strategically placed faux gemstones, and planned to add hammered silver wing tips to each side of the glasses for that celestial look.

He looked up when he heard a heavy handed knock at the door................

Curvigirl

09-19-2007, 06:24 PM

He opened the door and to his surprise found Paula Abdul, dazed and confused, lying in a puddle of drool on the ground.

"My, you have a strong knock for such a tiny little thing."

"Guphalumpa," Paula replied groggily.

"You'll have to speak more clearly, dear, I can't understand you."

"Poddididdle fluopide amprolly doo." She flailed about, trying to reach for the joint. "Kaffigoggle."

"Oh, my poor dear Paula. You must have smelled my purple haze wafting all the way down the mystic mountain and through the transcendent canyon. How did you find my teepee, anyway?"

"Jujuwana," she wailed.

"Never mind. Anyway, you don't get high, remember? I'm sure I've heard you mention that. Six or seven hundred times. Funny how you keep getting asked that question. Anyway, I'm sorry but I'm busy and you can't stay. Your aura--it's impeding my celestial juices." He shut the door and returned to the task at hand. He had to come up with the perfect design to impress Joan, but he just wasn't feeling it.

Suddenly, out of the blue, divine inspiration struck. He brushed the hair out of his eyes and reached for ...

Linda Lou

09-20-2007, 04:27 AM

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Curvigirl:
He shut the door and returned to the task at hand. He had to come up with the perfect design to impress Joan, but he just wasn't feeling it.

Suddenly, out of the blue, divine inspiration struck. He brushed the hair out of his eyes and reached for ...
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His enormous bong. He took a deep waft of his organically grown, pesticide free whacky weed, and exhaled loudly.

"This is it!!! Joan will simply adore it" He swooned. Grabbing for his sketch pad, he quickly penciled in different items that he felt expressed Joan and what she stood for, best.

Just then, Joan had arrived, and noticed Paula lying in a puddle in front of the door. She loudly muttered "Whore!" and stepped over her, her short little legs straining to clear Paula.

Joan indignantly said "To think that that moronic lunatic has her own reality show, while I'm hawking my crap on a shopping channel! There's no justice!"

She pounded on the door anxiously. Roberta sashayed over to the door, belting his floor length silk kimono that he had borrowed from his "wife".

"Ahh, Joanie! Come on in! I have a surprise for you. I have been busily sketching some things that I feel describe you best. With you as my muse, and my back-to-nature appeal, this will be huge!"

He handed Joan the sketchpad. Joan gasped in horror! There before her, were varying pictures of surgical instruments and face related paraphenalia.....scalpels, forceps, hypodermic needles, scissors.

"Joanie, I'm going to hammer these out in silver, maybe even gold! Your fans will love it! Imagine them wearing a scalpel with maybe your face etched into it!" Roberta clasped his hands together in glee.

"SILENCE!!" Joan bellowed as she threw the pad in Roberta's direction.................

Vivvie

09-21-2007, 06:13 PM

i've been absent for a few days ... story is still going ... which is good. currently working on another. good job all!

ms 'i'm way too damn busy' viv

Linda Lou

09-21-2007, 06:57 PM

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Vivvie:
i've been absent for a few days ... story is still going ... which is good. currently working on another. good job all!

ms 'i'm way too damn busy' viv
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Well, SOMEBODY has to pick up the pace!

LOL! Perhaps I shouldn't have incorporated the jewelry vendors into the thread, but who the heck could resist a plum like RLM?? :D

Come on, Curvi! Or Toonce........just take it off the jewelry vendors and write what you want.

Curvigirl

09-22-2007, 11:01 AM

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"SILENCE!!" Joan bellowed as she threw the pad in Roberta's direction.................
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Joan felt a sudden pressure in her head, almost as if it was about to explode. Roberta, alarmed by the sudden eggplant shade her face was turning, rushed over to offer aid and assistance.

"Joanie, what's wrong?" he wailed.

She gasped and pointed to her even-smaller-than-Jane-Rudolph-Treacy's-wrist. He noted for the first time she was wearing a gold-plated Medic-Alert bracelet festooned with imitation citrine rhinestones. Struggling to open the clasp, which was partially obscured by a plastic turquoise knob, he broke a nail.

"Damn!" he exclaimed. "Now what am I going to do?"

He ran off in search of the TIPS lady, passing Bob Bowersox in the hall. "Medical emergency in the green room, Boob," he screeched as he went.

Bob, ever at the ready, grabbed his Gold Violin box and ran to the rescue. Here was his chance to show the world that he did have star potential! As he entered the room he saw Joan, lying apparently lifeless on the floor, only the occasional twitch of a Pepto-Bismol pink pinkie nail indicating all was not lost.

Reaching into his box of supplies, he pulled out a blood pressure cuff. Although it was designed to fit on the wrist for easy use, he found it much too big for Joan. Luckily, 75 years as a show host had prepared him to ad-lib. Quickly he wrapped it around her tiny waist. Unaware that the waist is not an appropriate place to obtain an accurate blood pressure reading, his eyes widened in horror as he looked in the instruction booklet to see what her numbers meant.

Finally realizing he may be in over his head, he decided to ...

Linda Lou

09-22-2007, 12:37 PM

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Curvigirl:
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Quickly he wrapped it around her tiny waist. Unaware that the waist is not an appropriate place to obtain an accurate blood pressure reading, his eyes widened in horror as he looked in the instruction booklet to see what her numbers meant.

Finally realizing he may be in over his head, he decided to ...
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Do the smart thing and call 911. He released the pressure cuff that was apparently cutting of Joan's circulation. Her eyes were now open, and had a dead, vacant stare. He knew that this was extremely serious, because it was the first time he had ever known her not to speak.

Slowly but surely, Joan was coming to. Being in some kind of delirium, she reached for her Coach bag, and with all her might, whacked Bob across the face with it.

"That's for squeezing the sh*t out of me when I couldn't speak! No wonder they call you Boob, you wanna-be, you!! Now, get the Hell offa me!" She got up very slowly, as they heard the wails of the rescue squad.

The paramedics rushed in, followed by Roberta Lee Morris, who, in all the chaos, had forgotten his "butch" facade, and sashayed to beat the band.

"Joan my dear girl! What was it? The excitement too much for you? You loved my idea of plastic surgery accoutremonts so much that you fainted? Roberta was hissing and lisping for all he was worth.

Joan walked up to Roberta........slowly and deliberately.......she had a fiendish gleem in her eye.......he would pay for his references to her 32 plastic surgeries.

"Roberta........how would you like me to reveal that you really are....................."

Curvigirl

09-22-2007, 01:02 PM

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"Roberta........how would you like me to reveal that you really are....................."
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... none other than Jeffrey Hewson in disguise!"

Roberta was stunned beyond words. How in the WORLD had she figured it out? He stood with his mouth open, the glare of his polished ankh tongue stud momentarily blinding Joan.

"I've had my suspicions for a long time," she spat. "I've noticed that you know your way around a radar detector--something you shouldn't need out in the wild. Unless you need to make a quick pit stop or burger run when you're out communing with nature."

Roberta/Jeffrey's eyes started to dart around the room, looking for an inconspicuous exit door. Possibly he could waft his spirit out through the air register on the ceiling above.

"And when Janie came sauntering into the break room with that new super-short pixie haircut, I saw you hide under the table. As if she reminded you of someone from your past," she continued, her eyes narrowing into mere slits the size of the nearly imperceptible bridge of her nose.

"Then when I heard your familiarity with plastic surgery implements, it all came together for me!" she screeched triumphantly. "Now 'fess up and tell me--what was the real story with you and Judy?"

Linda Lou

09-22-2007, 02:00 PM

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Then when I heard your familiarity with plastic surgery implements, it all came together for me!" she screeched triumphantly. "Now 'fess up and tell me--what was the real story with you and Judy?"
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"Damn it!" Jeffrey muttered. "This is the second time in my life I've had to come out of the closet!"

"You want to know do you??? Okay, here it is! I tried the straight and narrow path, Lord knows I tried! But, have you ever gotten a good look at Judy's "Mr. Ed" teeth? They scared me nearly as much as your face!"

Joan gave Jeffrey two quick but meaningful slaps across his face. "You will never work in this town again for that remark. Mr. Game Show Host! HAH!"

With that, Joan threw her fox stole over her shoulders, thereby hitting Boob in his already swollen face. "Outta my way, stooges! I'm off to find the one person who understands me and what I need!".................................

Curvigirl

09-22-2007, 02:16 PM

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Linda Lou:
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... Joan threw her fox stole over her shoulders, thereby hitting Boob in his already swollen face. "Outta my way, stooges! I'm off to find the one person who understands me and what I need!".................................
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Louis Dell'Olio's "wife," Jacques, was sitting quietly in the guest dressing room, contemplating the size of her Adam's apple, when Joan came bursting in. "Jacques," she exclaimed, "I've always felt a rapport with you. I feel we're kindred spirits. No matter that you're over six feet tall and have a unusual five o'clock shadow for a woman, we use the same shade of blonde and I feel that we could be...twins separated at birth."

Jacques looked at her over the top of her mannish tortoise reading glasses as she put the sports page she had been holding down. "What's up, Joan?" she inquired in her husky voice.

"Everyone here is just nuts. Nuts I tell you. This has been the oddest day ever, and I've had some odd days."

"Tell me about it," Jacques clucked sympathetically. "Sometimes I get up in the morning and I just feel like a stranger in my own body."

"We need to get away," Joan said excitedly. "A girls' weekend! Leave all this madness behind for a few days. Let's go shoe shopping!"

"I'm afraid that's out of the question for me, the boutiques just don't carry anything cute in a size 17 wide," Jacques replied, wiping a tiny tear from the corner of her eye.

"Oh, you're no fun at all. I might as well hang out with Dan Wheeler." Joan turned and stormed out of the room and back down the hall. "Oh well," she thought, "I need to concentrate on business anyway."

She hit the speed dial button on her cell phone marked "car service" and when the voice on the other end greeted her she spat, "Come get me right now and take me to ... "

Linda Lou

09-23-2007, 06:49 AM

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Curvigirl:
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"Oh, you're no fun at all. I might as well hang out with Dan Wheeler." Joan turned and stormed out of the room and back down the hall. "Oh well," she thought, "I need to concentrate on business anyway."

She hit the speed dial button on her cell phone marked "car service" and when the voice on the other end greeted her she spat, "Come get me right now and take me to ... "
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Kenneth Jay Lane. The ol' ghoul is aggravating as hell, especially when he is hacking up a lung, but at least he's tolerable. Besides, his partner whips up a wicked cammomile tea. Hopefully, they'll throw in a little fois de grais on the side. Those boys have the most exquisite food."

She stepped out into the parking lot waiting for the limo. In a few minutes it arrived. She lowered herself into the back seat, and thought that the limo driver, in addition to barely being able to reach the wheel, had unusally long blonde hair.

"HI Joan!" The driver squealed with laughter. "Surprise! It's me, Patti Reilly! You didn't recognize me in my limo driver outfit did ya?"

Joan dryly said "Honey, I'd know that fat tookus of your anywhere. It's s p i l l i n g over the sides of your seat......again." Joan sighed heavily and asked her "What in the hell are you doing here? Don't you know I can barely tolerate you when I'm forced to work with you?"

Patti, so very used to ignoring the snipes she received on a daily basis, glibly explained "Joan, I want to get to know you better. I'm thinking I could learn a whole lot from a classy lady like yourself!"

Joan, unable to contain herself said "Patti! Here's a heads-up. Lose about 40 pounds. Lose the peep toe shoes with white socks. Quit trying to be someone you can never be, like Lisa Robertson. She's SO out of your league. And lastly, quit embarassing yourself, fess up about your REAL size, and leave the gay boys alone. Especially Philip from Cottage Farms. I think I barfed in my petunia's the last time you did a show with him. That's the best advice I can give you!"

Patti's lower lip began to tremble. Something began to rise from within her.......years of unrequited love in regard to Philip..........constant criticism of her size..........peep toed shoes with white socks........she couldn't take it any longer........ fumbling around for her feed bag and finding a Milky Way bar, she stuffed it into her mouth and said ...................

Vivvie

09-23-2007, 07:39 PM

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Linda Lou:
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Curvigirl:
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"Oh, you're no fun at all. I might as well hang out with Dan Wheeler." Joan turned and stormed out of the room and back down the hall. "Oh well," she thought, "I need to concentrate on business anyway."

She hit the speed dial button on her cell phone marked "car service" and when the voice on the other end greeted her she spat, "Come get me right now and take me to ... "
www.tvtalkshows.com/board/showpost.php?p=1693820
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Kenneth Jay Lane. The ol' ghoul is aggravating as hell, especially when he is hacking up a lung, but at least he's tolerable. Besides, his partner whips up a wicked cammomile tea. Hopefully, they'll throw in a little fois de grais on the side. Those boys have the most exquisite food."

She stepped out into the parking lot waiting for the limo. In a few minutes it arrived. She lowered herself into the back seat, and thought that the limo driver, in addition to barely being able to reach the wheel, had unusally long blonde hair.

"HI Joan!" The driver squealed with laughter. "Surprise! It's me, Patti Reilly! You didn't recognize me in my limo driver outfit did ya?"

Joan dryly said "Honey, I'd know that fat tookus of your anywhere. It's s p i l l i n g over the sides of your seat......again." Joan sighed heavily and asked her "What in the hell are you doing here? Don't you know I can barely tolerate you when I'm forced to work with you?"

Patti, so very used to ignoring the snipes she received on a daily basis, glibly explained "Joan, I want to get to know you better. I'm thinking I could learn a whole lot from a classy lady like yourself!"

Joan, unable to contain herself said "Patti! Here's a heads-up. Lose about 40 pounds. Lose the peep toe shoes with white socks. Quit trying to be someone you can never be, like Lisa Robertson. She's SO out of your league. And lastly, quit embarassing yourself, fess up about your REAL size, and leave the gay boys alone. Especially Philip from Cottage Farms. I think I barfed in my petunia's the last time you did a show with him. That's the best advice I can give you!"

Patti's lower lip began to tremble. Something began to rise from within her.......years of unrequited love in regard to Philip..........constant criticism of her size..........peep toed shoes with white socks........she couldn't take it any longer........ fumbling around for her feed bag and finding a Milky Way bar, she stuffed it into her mouth and said ...................
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chew chomp swallow 'that cutup and sewn back together bitch is gonna pay' munch gag for a minute chew again swallow as she dug deeper into her fat ass feedbag looking for bits of food morsels when out of the blue a finger nudged a carmel dollop off her face and placed it delicately into her mouth ... 'oh my', patty ass said, 'just what are you doing here?' her face lit up and as she smiled, carmel nouget glistened from her teeth, 'i thought i would never see you again ....'

Linda Lou

09-24-2007, 05:53 AM

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Linda Lou:
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Curvigirl:
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homp swallow 'that cutup and sewn back together bitch is gonna pay' munch gag for a minute chew again swallow as she dug deeper into her fat ass feedbag looking for bits of food morsels when out of the blue a finger nudged a carmel dollop off her face and placed it delicately into her mouth ... 'oh my', patty ass said, 'just what are you doing here?' her face lit up and as she smiled, carmel nouget glistened from her teeth, 'i thought i would never see you again ....'
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Dan Wheeler just smiled his Alfred E. Neuman smile, and kissed Patti, nouget and all.

"Patti........when will you come back down to Earth?? It is I that love you.......not Philip, or any other unattainable man you set your sites on."

Patti reflected on his words, and her eyes settled upon his ginourmus camel toe. Patti thought, "Hell, maybe he's not so bad after all. I never did get a chance to see the man behind the camel toe. Maybe I SHOULD give him a chance."

So, Patti shoved Joan out of the limo, and took off with Dan, him smiling wildly. It HAD been 10 years since he had any attention from a woman, after all!

Joan hit the ground with a resounding thud. She gave Patti the ol' one fingered salute, as she passed her. "Those two shlumps deserve one another. Now, how in the hell am I going to find my way to Kenneths???" She started to limp down the highway, as one heel had broken off her brand new Mahnolo Blahniks.

"Damn. I shoulda listened to my orthepedic surgeon and got those frickin' old lady shoes! Who in the hell really cares what I look like anymore, anyways?"

A car passing by came to a sudden halt. The windows were darkened, and Joan couldn't make out a face. Suddenly, the window slowly lowered...............

Curvigirl

09-24-2007, 10:06 AM

"Joan Rivers? Uh-kay, you shouldn't be staggering out here alone in the dark in broken shoes, uh-kay? Good thing I came along. Uh-kay, try these on, uh-kay?" Through the darkness came a pudgy middle-aged hand, holding a pair of White Mountain Adjustable Strap Clogs with Cork Footbeds. "Gotta run, uh-kay? But you'll be uh-kay, uh-kay? 'Cuz now you're staggering out here alone in the dark in White Mountain comfort. Uh-kay? Uh-kay." And with that, David the White Mountain guy sped away, leaving Joan to wonder ...

Linda Lou

09-24-2007, 01:31 PM

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Curvigirl:
"Joan Rivers? Uh-kay, you shouldn't be staggering out here alone in the dark in broken shoes, uh-kay? Good thing I came along. Uh-kay, try these on, uh-kay?" Through the darkness came a pudgy middle-aged hand, holding a pair of White Mountain Adjustable Strap Clogs with Cork Footbeds. "Gotta run, uh-kay? But you'll be uh-kay, uh-kay? 'Cuz now you're staggering out here alone in the dark in White Mountain comfort. Uh-kay? Uh-kay." And with that, David the White Mountain guy sped away, leaving Joan to wonder ...
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If he was a little light in his White Mountain loafers. Feeling particularly patriotic, she gave him a one fingered salute as well. How DARE he not offer her a ride!

She stumbled to the side of the road and kicked off her one Mahnolo Blahnik, in favor of the clogs. She felt like she was wearing a pair of shoeboxes, but they WERE comfy.

Stomping along the highway, she thought she saw a small white building in the distance. It looked like a motel. "Good" she thought. "I can stop there and use the phone to call for help." In her haste to check out Dan's camel toe, Patti had forgotten to throw Joan's cell phone in her direction.

Just as she was nearing the building, she realized that it wasn't a motel but a........

Curvigirl

09-24-2007, 02:12 PM

Mausoleum!

Nancy Sylk beckoned her with her long, pale, manicured pointer finger. In the other hand she held the unlikely pairing of a toothbrush and a tiny figurine. "Come on in, Joan."

Joan trotted clunkily up the path and into the front door. She stopped short, gasping in horror. She was surrounded by bright lights and mirrors, and she was suddenly magnified x 8!

"Nancy, you bitch, run and get me a decent pair of shoes. I'm on my way to Kenneth Jay Lane's."

Nancy smiled her vacant Stepford Saleslady smile. "Why Joan, dear, this is your lucky day. This is actually Kenneth's summer home. He's invited me to stay here while Rick & Dan do some simple repair projects on my house. That's Kenneth's crypt, right down the hall."

The bright lights shining off Nancy's morbidy white skin were distracting. Joan searched in vain for even a tiny hair on Nancy's chin, but alas there were none.

"So is he here now, slut?" she demanded.

"Why don't you go in and see for yourself?" Nancy smiled and gestured down the hall.

Joan brushed the spider webs out of her way and kicked the door in with the broad toe of her clog. As the shroud-like fog dissipated, she drew in her breath so sharply she started to choke on her own spit at the sight of ...

Linda Lou

09-25-2007, 04:33 AM

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Curvigirl:
So is he here now, slut?" she demanded.

"Why don't you go in and see for yourself?" Nancy smiled and gestured down the hall.

Joan brushed the spider webs out of her way and kicked the door in with the broad toe of her clog. As the shroud-like fog dissipated, she drew in her breath so sharply she started to choke on her own spit at the sight of ...
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Kenneth perched on a piano bench, decked out in full evening attire. Long blonde wig, shimmery evening gown, created especially for him by none other than his long time pal, Bob Mackie. His size 12 snakeskin pumps only emphasized the bunions poking out on each side. Thick rope-like varicose veins covered the leg that was revealed by the deep slit in his gown.

His face was ghastly, painted heavily with bright, out of style colors. He was wearing a selection of the jewelry pieces in his collection.........especially the ones once favored by Jackie O.

Joan gasped "Oh my God! You look like Bette Davis in "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane!" "What in the hell is going on here? Lord, you make one FUGLY woman!"

Kenneth started to speak, but was overcome with yet another coughing fit. When he recovered, he snootily looked at Joan and said "Bitch, you're jealous. You want to BE me! Face it, I make a better looking woman then you do, and I'm au Natural! Nary a scapel has touched this face" With that, he pounded out a show tune on his piano.

Joan, enraged by the reference to her surgically enhanced visage replied................

23456789

09-25-2007, 07:15 AM

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Linda Lou:
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Curvigirl:
So is he here now, slut?" she demanded.

"Why don't you go in and see for yourself?" Nancy smiled and gestured down the hall.

Joan brushed the spider webs out of her way and kicked the door in with the broad toe of her clog. As the shroud-like fog dissipated, she drew in her breath so sharply she started to choke on her own spit at the sight of ...
www.tvtalkshows.com/board/showpost.php?p=1694353
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Kenneth perched on a piano bench, decked out in full evening attire. Long blonde wig, shimmery evening gown, created especially for him by none other than his long time pal, Bob Mackie. His size 12 snakeskin pumps only emphasized the bunions poking out on each side. Thick rope-like varicose veins covered the leg that was revealed by the deep slit in his gown.

His face was ghastly, painted heavily with bright, out of style colors. He was wearing a selection of the jewelry pieces in his collection.........especially the ones once favored by Jackie O.

Joan gasped "Oh my God! You look like Bette Davis in "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane!" "What in the hell is going on here? Lord, you make one FUGLY woman!"

Kenneth started to speak, but was overcome with yet another coughing fit. When he recovered, he snootily looked at Joan and said "Bitch, you're jealous. You want to BE me! Face it, I make a better looking woman then you do, and I'm au Natural! Nary a scapel has touched this face" With that, he pounded out a show tune on his piano.

Joan, enraged by the reference to her surgically enhanced visage replied................
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KENNETH HAD FINALLY HAD ENOUGH!

HE DECIDED, THEN AND THERE, TO VISIT TELEVANGELIST ED'S 'ARE YOU SAVED' CENTER, CONFESS HIS SINS, AND BE SAVED!

HE ALSO DECIDED TO BE TESTED FOR THE HIV VIRUS, AND, OF COURSE, TO TELL ALL THOSE STUPID FEMALES THAT HE HAD SEX WITH-- THAT IS, all OF THEM-- OF HIS DECEPTIONS-- THAT THEY MIGHT BE INFECTED!

HE PHONED REPUNZEL-- HE TOLD HER THAT EVEN WHEN HE CLIMBED UP HER HAIR TO SO-CALL 'FREE HER-- THEN, LOVE HER, HER GOLDEN HAIR AND GOLDEN SKIN, THAT HE still HAD THE VIRUS!

WHAT ABOUT THE UNBORN CHILD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

STAY TUNED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

23456789

09-25-2007, 07:21 AM

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23456789:
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Linda Lou:
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Curvigirl:
So is he here now, slut?" she demanded.

"Why don't you go in and see for yourself?" Nancy smiled and gestured down the hall.

Joan brushed the spider webs out of her way and kicked the door in with the broad toe of her clog. As the shroud-like fog dissipated, she drew in her breath so sharply she started to choke on her own spit at the sight of ...
www.tvtalkshows.com/board/showpost.php?p=1694353
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kenneth perched on a piano bench, decked out in full evening attire. Long blonde wig, shimmery evening gown, created especially for him by none other than his long time pal, Bob Mackie. His size 12 snakeskin pumps only emphasized the bunions poking out on each side. Thick rope-like varicose veins covered the leg that was revealed by the deep slit in his gown.

His face was ghastly, painted heavily with bright, out of style colors. He was wearing a selection of the jewelry pieces in his collection.........especially the ones once favored by Jackie O.

Joan gasped "Oh my God! You look like Bette Davis in "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane!" "What in the hell is going on here? Lord, you make one FUGLY woman!"

Kenneth started to speak, but was overcome with yet another coughing fit. When he recovered, he snootily looked at Joan and said "Bitch, you're jealous. You want to BE me! Face it, I make a better looking woman then you do, and I'm au Natural! Nary a scapel has touched this face" With that, he pounded out a show tune on his piano.

Joan, enraged by the reference to her surgically enhanced visage replied................
www.tvtalkshows.com/board/showpost.php?p=1694467
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KENNETH HAD FINALLY HAD ENOUGH!

HE DECIDED, THEN AND THERE, TO VISIT TELEVANGELIST ED'S 'ARE YOU SAVED' CENTER, CONFESS HIS SINS, AND BE SAVED!

HE ALSO DECIDED TO BE TESTED FOR THE HIV VIRUS, AND, OF COURSE, TO TELL ALL THOSE STUPID FEMALES THAT HE HAD SEX WITH-- THAT IS, all OF THEM-- OF HIS DECEPTIONS-- THAT THEY MIGHT BE INFECTED!

HE PHONED REPUNZEL-- HE TOLD HER THAT EVEN WHEN HE CLIMBED UP HER HAIR TO SO-CALL 'FREE HER-- THEN, LOVE HER, HER GOLDEN HAIR AND GOLDEN SKIN, THAT HE still HAD THE VIRUS!

WHAT ABOUT THE UNBORN CHILD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

STAY TUNED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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JOAN AND THE OTHER (NON) BITCHES ALSO VISITED TELEVANGELIST ED'S ARE YOU SAVED????? CENTER! THEY HAD QUICKLY GOTTEN INTO THE SPIRIT!
THEY HAVE GIVEN UP BEING DYKES, GLORY BE!

THEY ARE DEVOTED, LOVING MEMBERS OF TELEVANGELIST ED'S 'ARE YOU SAVED CENTER!

THEY HAVE GIVEN UP THEIR FORMER LIVES! NOW, THEY WORK FOR LOCAL SALVATION ARMY CENTERS AS CARETAKERS OF PRESCHOOL CHILDREN; BUY THEIR CLOTHING AT SALVATION ARMY CENTERS, AND, OF COURSE, HAVE RENOUNCED THEIR FORMER SINS!

KEEP TUNED, KIDDIES!

23456789

09-25-2007, 07:30 AM

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23456789:
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23456789:
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Linda Lou:
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Curvigirl:
So is he here now, slut?" she demanded.

"Why don't you go in and see for yourself?" Nancy smiled and gestured down the hall.

Joan brushed the spider webs out of her way and kicked the door in with the broad toe of her clog. As the shroud-like fog dissipated, she drew in her breath so sharply she started to choke on her own spit at the sight of ...
www.tvtalkshows.com/board/showpost.php?p=1694353
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kenneth perched on a piano bench, decked out in full evening attire. Long blonde wig, shimmery evening gown, created especially for him by none other than his long time pal, Bob Mackie. His size 12 snakeskin pumps only emphasized the bunions poking out on each side. Thick rope-like varicose veins covered the leg that was revealed by the deep slit in his gown.

His face was ghastly, painted heavily with bright, out of style colors. He was wearing a selection of the jewelry pieces in his collection.........especially the ones once favored by Jackie O.

Joan gasped "Oh my God! You look like Bette Davis in "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane!" "What in the hell is going on here? Lord, you make one FUGLY woman!"

Kenneth started to speak, but was overcome with yet another coughing fit. When he recovered, he snootily looked at Joan and said "Bitch, you're jealous. You want to BE me! Face it, I make a better looking woman then you do, and I'm au Natural! Nary a scapel has touched this face" With that, he pounded out a show tune on his piano.

Joan, enraged by the reference to her surgically enhanced visage replied................
www.tvtalkshows.com/board/showpost.php?p=1694467
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
KENNETH HAD FINALLY HAD ENOUGH!

HE DECIDED, THEN AND THERE, TO VISIT TELEVANGELIST ED'S 'ARE YOU SAVED' CENTER, CONFESS HIS SINS, AND BE SAVED!

HE ALSO DECIDED TO BE TESTED FOR THE HIV VIRUS, AND, OF COURSE, TO TELL ALL THOSE STUPID FEMALES THAT HE HAD SEX WITH-- THAT IS, all OF THEM-- OF HIS DECEPTIONS-- THAT THEY MIGHT BE INFECTED!

HE PHONED REPUNZEL-- HE TOLD HER THAT EVEN WHEN HE CLIMBED UP HER HAIR TO SO-CALL 'FREE HER-- THEN, LOVE HER, HER GOLDEN HAIR AND GOLDEN SKIN, THAT HE still HAD THE VIRUS!

WHAT ABOUT THE UNBORN CHILD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

STAY TUNED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
www.tvtalkshows.com/board/showpost.php?p=1694494
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JOAN AND THE OTHER (NON) BITCHES ALSO VISITED TELEVANGELIST ED'S ARE YOU SAVED????? CENTER! THEY HAD QUICKLY GOTTEN INTO THE SPIRIT!
THEY HAVE GIVEN UP BEING DYKES, GLORY BE!

THEY ARE DEVOTED, LOVING MEMBERS OF TELEVANGELIST ED'S 'ARE YOU SAVED CENTER!

THEY HAVE GIVEN UP THEIR FORMER LIVES! NOW, THEY WORK FOR LOCAL SALVATION ARMY CENTERS AS CARETAKERS OF PRESCHOOL CHILDREN; BUY THEIR CLOTHING AT SALVATION ARMY CENTERS, AND, OF COURSE, HAVE RENOUNCED THEIR FORMER SINS!

KEEP TUNED, KIDDIES!
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JOAN GROANED. SHE NO LONGER COULD CONTINUE HER FORMER LIFESTYLE!

HER FRIEND, NANCY, HAD RECENTLY FINISHED READING VARIOUS BOOKS FURNISHED TO HER BY BROTHER ED. SHOULD JOAN JOIN NANCY AT THE THURSDAY-MEETING?

JOAN BITTERLY REGRETTED HER FORMER LIFESTYLE! SHE HAD NOW GOTTEN RID OF HER FORMER CLOTHING. NOW, SHE WEARS LONG SKIRTS, LONG BLOUSES, AND, OF COURSE, NO PANTS!
NANCY IS CONSIDERING BECOMING A NUN.....

MORE ON THAT, LATER!

samliterarykat

09-25-2007, 07:47 AM

<I noticed you have a NEW writer added to the staff !!!>

lol
*snickers*

Linda Lou

09-25-2007, 07:50 AM

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samliterarykat:
<I noticed you have a NEW writer added to the staff !!!>

lol
*snickers*
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Wipe that smile offa your face Sammy! *WHAP*

There, I did it for ya. :D

Seriously, yes............we have some really interesting contributions. Idiot..

sammykat

09-25-2007, 08:06 AM

This commercial break was all about:

The freedom of speech

Now carry on...back to regular scheduled programming

lol

Linda Lou

09-25-2007, 08:08 AM

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sammykat:
This commercial break was all about:

The freedom of speech

Now carry on...back to regular scheduled programming

lol
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*Linda Lou getting Sammy in a choke hold*

Yes, you are right, Sammy. Freedom of speech..........even if your insane. Yes, I agree. Thanks for encouraging them. LOL!

samcannotbreathekat

09-25-2007, 08:10 AM

Just call me Samthequalopportunitykat...

What is good for the goose is good for the gander....

(LLoo, I think your choke hold is cutting off all oxygen to my brain)

lol

Linda Lou

09-25-2007, 08:15 AM

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samcannotbreathekat:
Just call me Samthequalopportunitykat...

What is good for the goose is good for the gander....

(LLoo, I think your choke hold is cutting off all oxygen to my brain)

lol
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*LLoo letting up on the choke hold........just a little*

Whose the goose and who's the gander?? lol

Curvigirl

09-25-2007, 09:13 AM

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23456789:
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JOAN BITTERLY REGRETTED HER FORMER LIFESTYLE! SHE HAD NOW GOTTEN RID OF HER FORMER CLOTHING. NOW, SHE WEARS LONG SKIRTS, LONG BLOUSES, AND, OF COURSE, NO PANTS!
NANCY IS CONSIDERING BECOMING A NUN.....

MORE ON THAT, LATER!
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"Now that I've found salvation," Joan said sweetly, "I should look up Thomas Kinkead. He always did have a certain charm to him, and he's certainly quite spiritual. I bet we could have a good old time in the dappled moonlight."

Meanwhile, back at the ranch ...

Linda Lou

09-26-2007, 01:39 PM

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Curvigirl:
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23456789:
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JOAN BITTERLY REGRETTED HER FORMER LIFESTYLE! SHE HAD NOW GOTTEN RID OF HER FORMER CLOTHING. NOW, SHE WEARS LONG SKIRTS, LONG BLOUSES, AND, OF COURSE, NO PANTS!
NANCY IS CONSIDERING BECOMING A NUN.....

MORE ON THAT, LATER!
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"Now that I've found salvation," Joan said sweetly, "I should look up Thomas Kinkead. He always did have a certain charm to him, and he's certainly quite spiritual. I bet we could have a good old time in the dappled moonlight."

Meanwhile, back at the ranch ...
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Well, now that this storyline has been totally derailed, well just assume that Joan finally decided to hook up with Roberta Lee Morris.

On to the next one, Viv!

Curvigirl

09-26-2007, 03:13 PM

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Well, now that this storyline has been totally derailed, well just assume that Joan finally decided to hook up with Roberta Lee Morris...
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Another one of those visuals I could live without! LOL

Mets 816

09-27-2007, 06:49 AM

After seeing Lisa Robertson last night in that black dress, I had the fantasy of meeting her when she got home. She's coming up the walk when she sees me and says "Mets, this is a pleasant surprise. What are you doing here?" I tell her "Oh, I saw you this evening and thought maybe we could have some fun together." Lisa smiles and says "Well, come on in and let's see what we can do." We enter her house and sit down on the sofa and begin to kiss and grope each other. Lisa leans back and asks me "Any ideas like last time with the kitchen table?" I tell her "I've got something in mind, if you're game." Lisa eagerly says "I'm ready for fun, what is it?" I explain to her my game plan and she replies "It sounds good. Are you ready to begin?" I tell her that I'll be ready as soon as I get somethings from the car, but she can go into the study and I'll be in shortly. I return from the car with a bag and Lisa is sitting at a desk in the study going over some papers. I come up behind her and clamp a hand over her mouth and say "Don't struggle or try to scream, lady." Lisa relaxes and I tell her "Now, stand up." Lisa rises from her chair and I say "I'm going to take my hand from your mouth, but you aren't going to scream, are you?" Lisa shakes her head slightly and I remove my hand. Lisa says "Please, don't hurt me. I'll do whatever you say." I then tell her "Put your hands behind your back." Lisa does so and I begin to tie them with some nylon rope. Lisa pleads "You don't have to tie me, I'll behave. Please!" I've finished tying her hands and I have a folded handkechief in my hand which I'm pushing towards her mouth. Lisa says, "No, please don't gag me." I push the handkerchief into her mouth and place another one over her mouth and tie it tightly. I then say "Bend over the desk." Lisa is mmmphing as she bends over the desk and brings her upper body to rest on the desk top. I then pull a long rope out of the bag and tie it to a front corner leg of the desk and bring it under Lisa's arms and over her back and then tie it down tothe other front leg. Lisa cannot rise and has to stay in a bent over position. I go behind her and look at her dress covered buttocks and legs that are accented by black high heels. I begin to fondle her buttocks and legs as Lisa is mmphing loudly as I had instructed her previously. I bring my hands down to the hem of herdress and start it up. Lisa is mmmmphing, attempting to say "No, please, don't do this, don't lift up my skirts." As I bring her dress up around her waist, I notice that she is wearing a black half slip with about three inches of lacy hem. I bring my hands down over her slip and start it up as Lisa is mmmphing and attepting to say "No, please, don't do this, don't lift up my slip." Lisa's slip is now up around her waist and I see that she is wearing black panties. I tell her "I have some fun in mind for us and those panties are in the way." Lisa begins to mmmmph wildly as I stretch the waistband of her panties and start them to the floor. I bring them down her legs and finally get them over her black high heels shod feet. As Lisa is struggling and mmmphing, I begin to lower my pants and underwear. I'm as rigid as a crowbar now as I approach her from behind and push her legs apart and drive it into her vagina. Lisa feels me enter and continues to mmmmph as I thrust vigorously into this large piece of womanhood. Gripping her buttocks with my hands and pushing into her vagina with gusto, I feel as though I will go wild. After about 30 minutes, I begin to climax as Lisa is experiencing an orgasm. I then back off and straighten myself up and release Lisa from the desk. When she straightens up, I remove the gag and untie her hands. Lisa then says "I'm glad to see I can arouse you in this way. We've been in the kitchen and now the den. I can't wait to see what we can do in the bedroom sometime." ++++ "I don't do sorry" - Billy Bob Thorton (Mr Woodcock)

23456789

09-27-2007, 08:23 AM

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Mets 816:
After seeing Lisa Robertson last night in that black dress, I had the fantasy of meeting her when she got home. She's coming up the walk when she sees me and says "Mets, this is a pleasant surprise. What are you doing here?" I tell her "Oh, I saw you this evening and thought maybe we could have some fun together." Lisa smiles and says "Well, come on in and let's see what we can do." We enter her house and sit down on the sofa and begin to kiss and grope each other. Lisa leans back and asks me "Any ideas like last time with the kitchen table?" I tell her "I've got something in mind, if you're game." Lisa eagerly says "I'm ready for fun, what is it?" I explain to her my game plan and she replies "It sounds good. Are you ready to begin?" I tell her that I'll be ready as soon as I get somethings from the car, but she can go into the study and I'll be in shortly. I return from the car with a bag and Lisa is sitting at a desk in the study going over some papers. I come up behind her and clamp a hand over her mouth and say "Don't struggle or try to scream, lady." Lisa relaxes and I tell her "Now, stand up." Lisa rises from her chair and I say "I'm going to take my hand from your mouth, but you aren't going to scream, are you?" Lisa shakes her head slightly and I remove my hand. Lisa says "Please, don't hurt me. I'll do whatever you say." I then tell her "Put your hands behind your back." Lisa does so and I begin to tie them with some nylon rope. Lisa pleads "You don't have to tie me, I'll behave. Please!" I've finished tying her hands and I have a folded handkechief in my hand which I'm pushing towards her mouth. Lisa says, "No, please don't gag me." I push the handkerchief into her mouth and place another one over her mouth and tie it tightly. I then say "Bend over the desk." Lisa is mmmphing as she bends over the desk and brings her upper body to rest on the desk top. I then pull a long rope out of the bag and tie it to a front corner leg of the desk and bring it under Lisa's arms and over her back and then tie it down tothe other front leg. Lisa cannot rise and has to stay in a bent over position. I go behind her and look at her dress covered buttocks and legs that are accented by black high heels. I begin to fondle her buttocks and legs as Lisa is mmphing loudly as I had instructed her previously. I bring my hands down to the hem of herdress and start it up. Lisa is mmmmphing, attempting to say "No, please, don't do this, don't lift up my skirts." As I bring her dress up around her waist, I notice that she is wearing a black half slip with about three inches of lacy hem. I bring my hands down over her slip and start it up as Lisa is mmmphing and attepting to say "No, please, don't do this, don't lift up my slip." Lisa's slip is now up around her waist and I see that she is wearing black panties. I tell her "I have some fun in mind for us and those panties are in the way." Lisa begins to mmmmph wildly as I stretch the waistband of her panties and start them to the floor. I bring them down her legs and finally get them over her black high heels shod feet. As Lisa is struggling and mmmphing, I begin to lower my pants and underwear. I'm as rigid as a crowbar now as I approach her from behind and push her legs apart and drive it into her vagina. Lisa feels me enter and continues to mmmmph as I thrust vigorously into this large piece of womanhood. Gripping her buttocks with my hands and pushing into her vagina with gusto, I feel as though I will go wild. After about 30 minutes, I begin to climax as Lisa is experiencing an orgasm. I then back off and straighten myself up and release Lisa from the desk. When she straightens up, I remove the gag and untie her hands. Lisa then says "I'm glad to see I can arouse you in this way. We've been in the kitchen and now the den. I can't wait to see what we can do in the bedroom sometime." ++++ "I don't do sorry" - Billy Bob Thorton (Mr Woodcock)
www.tvtalkshows.com/board/showpost.php?p=1695307
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HEY, FUCKEDUP, FUCKFACED METSFAGFANDUDE816! ON ANOTHER THREAD, YOU SWORE YOUR UNDYING LOVE FOR WILLY'S TUSH! NOW, WRITING ABOUT ----FEMALES!!!!!!!!!!! JUST GO BACK TO YOUR TRUE LOVE, WILLY'S TUSH!

Muscles

09-27-2007, 08:39 AM

Hey Seabiscuit, you claimed it was Yippie9 that loved willy's tush, lol, I guess you just dont understand why everyone here knows you're a liar, lol............

Now I command you, reply to this post using the words "flabby", "bald", "scooter", "fuckfaced", "faggots", "red", "hot", "pate", "muscles", "jiggling" and "joggling", lol....................

23456789

09-27-2007, 08:50 AM

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Muscles:
Hey Seabiscuit, you claimed it was Yippie9 that loved willy's tush, lol, I guess you just dont understand why everyone here knows you're a liar, lol............

Now I command you, reply to this post using the words "flabby", "bald", "scooter", "fuckfaced", "faggots", "red", "hot", "pate", "muscles", "jiggling" and "joggling", lol....................
www.tvtalkshows.com/board/showpost.php?p=1695326
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ROFLMAO! TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF AGAIN, ARE YOU, FUCKFACED, FUCKEDUP, FLABBY, FLABBY FAG WHO insists THAT its FLAB IS 'muscle'! CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY THAT MOTORIZED SCOOTER CHAIRS HAVE ENABLED MANY, MANY PEOPLE TO GET AROUND--EVEN ON CITY TRANSPORTATION! EVEN YOU!

Mets 816

09-27-2007, 11:31 AM

A WARNING TO ALL: 23456789 IS SPEWING HIS HATEFUL LIES YET AGAIN AND NEEDS TO BE DESTROYED, MAIMED AND CRIPPLED BY SOMEONE WHO DARES TO GO NEAR HIS ROACH INFESTED, SMELLS LIKE NUCLEAR WASTE TRAILER PARK HOME. MAYBE A GOOD SHOWER WITH LOTS OF SOAP THAT WOULD TAKE 2 HOURS BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW THAT 23456789'S LACK OF HYGEINE, SOCIAL SKILLS AND TRUTH TELLING IS SETTING HIS WAY BACK IN LIFE AND DON'T FORGET ABOUT HIS PARENTS WHO ARE LIVING PROOF THAT A BROTHER & SISTER SHOULD NOT HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS. +++ "I don't do sorry" - Billy Bob Thorton (Mr Woodcock)

tooncey2

09-27-2007, 01:12 PM

Viv, if you decide to do another story, PLEASE start a new thread. This one is repugnant with repulsive fantasies and demented rantings by sick twists.

Linda Lou

09-27-2007, 01:27 PM

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tooncey2:
Viv, if you decide to do another story, PLEASE start a new thread. This one is repugnant with repulsive fantasies and demented rantings by sick twists.
www.tvtalkshows.com/board/showpost.php?p=1695437
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Yes, Viv..........ditto what Toonce said.

Sigh.

Garnet333

09-27-2007, 01:43 PM

I think Mets816 took a wrong turn and his trash ended up here on QVC instead of the disgusting HSN board.

I wasnt posting on this thread but I was reading it. With the exception of the nasty stuff Mets posted, the continuous story is funny.

Linda Lou

09-27-2007, 01:52 PM

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Garnet333:
I think Mets816 took a wrong turn and his trash ended up here on QVC instead of the disgusting HSN board.

I wasnt posting on this thread but I was reading it. With the exception of the nasty stuff Mets posted, the continuous story is funny.
www.tvtalkshows.com/board/showpost.php?p=1695457
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I think he knows what he's doing, Garnet.

I guess next time around, I'll just have to post around him. I have no problem doing that.

tooncey2

09-27-2007, 01:58 PM

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Linda Lou:
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Garnet333:
I think Mets816 took a wrong turn and his trash ended up here on QVC instead of the disgusting HSN board.

I wasnt posting on this thread but I was reading it. With the exception of the nasty stuff Mets posted, the continuous story is funny.
www.tvtalkshows.com/board/showpost.php?p=1695457
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I think he knows what he's doing, Garnet.

I guess next time around, I'll just have to post around him. I have no problem doing that.
www.tvtalkshows.com/board/showpost.php?p=1695458
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I agree, Linda. I don't think for a moment it posted it's filth here "by accident". I think it left it's slime trail here intentionally.

23456789

09-28-2007, 02:05 PM

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Mets 816:
A WARNING TO ALL: 23456789 IS SPEWING HIS HATEFUL LIES YET AGAIN AND NEEDS TO BE DESTROYED, MAIMED AND CRIPPLED BY SOMEONE WHO DARES TO GO NEAR HIS ROACH INFESTED, SMELLS LIKE NUCLEAR WASTE TRAILER PARK HOME. MAYBE A GOOD SHOWER WITH LOTS OF SOAP THAT WOULD TAKE 2 HOURS BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW THAT 23456789'S LACK OF HYGEINE, SOCIAL SKILLS AND TRUTH TELLING IS SETTING HIS WAY BACK IN LIFE AND DON'T FORGET ABOUT HIS PARENTS WHO ARE LIVING PROOF THAT A BROTHER & SISTER SHOULD NOT HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS. +++ "I don't do sorry" - Billy Bob Thorton (Mr Woodcock)
www.tvtalkshows.com/board/showpost.php?p=1695364
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HEY, FUCKEDUP, FUCKFACED METSFAGFANDUDE816! ON ANOTHER THREAD--YEAH, you KNOW which one, duh! YOU SWORE YOUR UNDYING DEVOTION TO WILLY'S TUSH! NOW, YOU TALK ABOUT--FEMALES! JUST GO BACK TO WILLY'S TUSH!

234567

09-28-2007, 02:15 PM

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tooncey2:
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Linda Lou:
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Garnet333:
I think Mets816 took a wrong turn and his trash ended up here on QVC instead of the disgusting HSN board.

I wasnt posting on this thread but I was reading it. With the exception of the nasty stuff Mets posted, the continuous story is funny.
www.tvtalkshows.com/board/showpost.php?p=1695457
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I think he knows what he's doing, Garnet.

I guess next time around, I'll just have to post around him. I have no problem doing that.
www.tvtalkshows.com/board/showpost.php?p=1695458
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I agree, Linda. I don't think for a moment it posted it's filth here "by accident". I think it left it's slime trail here intentionally.
www.tvtalkshows.com/board/showpost.php?p=1695460
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'IT' COULD also BENEFIT FROM GOING TO ED'S 'GET SAVED CENTER!
JOAN AND NANCY CAN ASK THE BROTHERS FOR PRAYER!

Mets 816

09-28-2007, 04:04 PM

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tooncey2:
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Linda Lou:
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Garnet333:
I think Mets816 took a wrong turn and his trash ended up here on QVC instead of the disgusting HSN board.

I wasnt posting on this thread but I was reading it. With the exception of the nasty stuff Mets posted, the continuous story is funny.
www.tvtalkshows.com/board/showpost.php?p=1695457
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I think he knows what he's doing, Garnet.

I guess next time around, I'll just have to post around him. I have no problem doing that.
www.tvtalkshows.com/board/showpost.php?p=1695458
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I agree, Linda. I don't think for a moment it posted it's filth here "by accident". I think it left it's slime trail here intentionally.
www.tvtalkshows.com/board/showpost.php?p=1695460
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First of all; tooncey2 YOU ARE A PIECE OF PIG VOMIT AND YOUR MOM CHEWS SKOAL WHILE BEING FUCKED BY A DIRTY COWBOY AT THE BATES MOTEL. YOUR DAD EATS PORK & BEANS, CAN'T READ FOR ANYTHING AND SHITS IN HIS PANTS ALL DAY. ALSO, YOU TALK ABOUT HOW "GREAT" THOSE AYATOLLAHS AND IMANS ARE AND GUESS WHAT, TOXIC WASTE, THEY'RE NOT!!!!!!!!!!!! THOSE SCUMBAG AYATOLLAHS & IMANS KILLED 3,000 ON 9/11/2001 INCLUDING THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS PLUS A WOMAN WHO WAS A SECURITY GUARD GOT OUT ALIVE BUT SHE'S BEEN PLAGUED BY PROBLEMS EVER SINCE. PLUS FOR THE LAST TIME INBRED IMUS, LEAVE THIS WEBSITE NOW!!!! WE DON'T NEED YOUR SO-CALLED MORAL BULLSHIT AND THAT'S WHAT IT IS AND YOUR CONSTANT FUCKING LIES BECAUSE YOU ARE THE BIGGEST ASSHOLE ON THE INTERNET AT THIS MOMENT!!!!!!!! I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE DAY WHEN SOMEONE KICKS THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF YOU AND YOU WIND UP EITHER PARALYZED OR DEAD!!!!!!! YOU'RE LIVING ON BORROWED TIME, YOU REDNECK HITLER RETARD. Tick..............Tick...........Tick.......... ++++ "Droughts are for poor people" - Jennifer Coolidge (A Cinderella Story)

tooncey2

09-28-2007, 05:10 PM

Mets 816, you are proof that there needs to be a spay/neuter program for humans. And with you, I use the term human very loosely. Your rantings are certifiable Bellevue bait.

Mets 816

09-28-2007, 07:10 PM

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tooncey2:
Mets 816, you are proof that there needs to be a spay/neuter program for humans. And with you, I use the term human very loosely. Your rantings are certifiable Bellevue bait.
www.tvtalkshows.com/board/showpost.php?p=1695774
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THIS JUST IN!!!!!!! TOONCEY2'S MOTHER JUST HAD HER 25,000TH CUSTOMER, A TEXAS TRUCKER WHO SMOKES 4 PACKS A DAY AND SNORTS MORE COKE THAN PACINO DID IN SCARFACE AND TOONCEY2'S DAD TRIED TO SAY SOMETHING OTHER THAN "PORK & BEANS" BUT HE HAD YET ANOTHER OF HIS MINI-STROKES & WAS RUSHED TO ADOLPH HILTER MEMORIAL HOSPITAL. ++++ "I don't do sorry" - Billy Bob Thorton (Mr Woodcock)

23456789

09-29-2007, 08:59 AM

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Mets 816:
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tooncey2:
Mets 816, you are proof that there needs to be a spay/neuter program for humans. And with you, I use the term human very loosely. Your rantings are certifiable Bellevue bait.
www.tvtalkshows.com/board/showpost.php?p=1695774
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THIS JUST IN!!!!!!! TOONCEY2'S MOTHER JUST HAD HER 25,000TH CUSTOMER, A TEXAS TRUCKER WHO SMOKES 4 PACKS A DAY AND SNORTS MORE COKE THAN PACINO DID IN SCARFACE AND TOONCEY2'S DAD TRIED TO SAY SOMETHING OTHER THAN "PORK & BEANS" BUT HE HAD YET ANOTHER OF HIS MINI-STROKES & WAS RUSHED TO ADOLPH HILTER MEMORIAL HOSPITAL. ++++ "I don't do sorry" - Billy Bob Thorton (Mr Woodcock)
www.tvtalkshows.com/board/showpost.php?p=1695785
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HEY, FUCKEDUP, FUCKFACED METSFAGFANDUDE816! AWWWWWW! HAS WILLY'S TUSH LEFT YOU--AGAIN! SINCE YOU HAVE BEEN TALKING ABOUT FEMALES, AND NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO YOUR TRUE LOVE--WILLY'S TUSH--THAT ISN'T SURPRISING! WHY NOT JUST MAKE UP WITH YOUR FIRST, TRUE LOVE--WILLY'S TUSH!

Vivvie

09-30-2007, 07:08 PM